Amman & Dakar

Hi friends

It just occurred to me that perhaps not everyone knows that I'm keeping track of my year abroad at this blog over here

claireabelleabroad.blogspot.com

in case anyone is interested in following!

napowrimo #4: inside out

The teleologist's complaint

To explain something's existence by

way of what it does leaves unexplained

why something that

does the very same isn't there instead

The schematic four-chambered head,

whose ceaseless pumping circulates breath

loses all poignancy

without the heartbeat: a mere effect.

: )

After almost ten months of being in this relationship, it is still wonderful. It's hasn't been wonderful the whole time, but it's always been worth it. For example, on the way home from the Dean/Rove debate (which was amazing to witness), John asked me how I feel about the word homosexual. I said, in certain contexts, especially scientific, technical or medical, I consider it very appropriate. But in more casual contexts, I do consider it insensitive for someone to say homosexual, especially if they also use the word straight to refer to heterosexuality. Anyway, Josh and I ended up in a discussion about it that wasn't entirely sensitive from both sides (he didn't agree with me, and when I said I had some personal experience on the topic, which he thought meant I didn't think his opinion mattered). But the happy resolution to the story is that it never got very personal and it was resolved very cheerfully. I think it's a good sign for us. Ten months is a long long time. And even as a person who used to identify as a lesbian (or at least as lesbian-leaning, I don't have any sadness about that. So, take that world.

In other news, my classes are boring this semester and I'm grappling for something to care about. Ironically, my French Literature class is my favourite. I usually dread going to my French classes. I'm superficially busy: lots of places to go, things to do, but none of them particularly interest me. But I did sort of sign up for this boredom.

And now I'm hungry. Grilled cheese and tomato soup time.

today would have been my grandpa's ninety-fifth birthday. since he died in april, i've mostly gotten used to not having him around, but it's his first birthday that he won't celebrate. i got a text from dad at breakfast saying that it was grandpa's birthday, which of course I hadn't thought of. then, of course, i had to get out of the cafeteria as fast as possible. nobody wants to be the girl that cries in the Bon. it's a strange kind of sadness, though. i wouldn't feel this sad if i hadn't had the opportunity to love him as much as i did.

classes are going well so far. french conversation is by far the most awkward class I have ever taken, but it's a lot of fun most of the time. we were studying french puns on friday. then we had to make one up (porcelain=pour sa laine) and write a skit about it. french literature is a great class so far. we're reading Béroul's Tristan et Iseut, which is a really old piece of writing. the edition we're using includes the old french, which is really cool to look at, but i don't have the slightest idea what it says. my behavioral ecology class is pretty interesting. my lab partner is a cynical philosophy major in the last semester of his senior year, so this should be interesting. on tuesday, we're going into the forest to observe wild animal behavior. squirrels and birds and such. and intro to linguistics is interesting for sure. we're learning about phonetics on a very mechanical level, and learning some of the IPA alphabet, which is pretty sweet.

adrian and I are going to go buy red hair dye today and dye a section of her hair. perhaps that will cheer me up.

for the moment

I will probably start writing consistently again soon, but at the moment, that seems too daunting. In the meantime, a few words to describe my semester, and the residual emotions:

stress, busy, success, trying, mediocre, awesome, excitement, confirmation, loss, confusion, extreme, scary, lonely, amazing, friendship, support, fragmentation, fog, precious, questions.

Dear people in this world,

For christ's sake, stop aplogizing for the things you can't help, the things that aren't your responsibility, and the things that make you who you are. Seriously, just STOP. You're making me crazy trying to take that on, and I can't trust you to make a real apology to me if I need one, because you're wearing the words out. Also, it's absurd. So just stop.

Love

Claire

all you ever did is try

Last night visiting relatives in between the city and home. we spent the last few days with my favourite relatives in the family apple orchard. mom and I baked pie tonight with apples picked from the orchard. sweet, sweet life.

it was a little sad to not go home. I really miss manda and david. but, beyond that, there's not much for me where I grew up anymore besides my wonderful, wonderful family, my two best friends, and a sense of familiarity. but when I feel like I'm falling, there's nothing in the world that looks better. except an apartment off campus. I have trouble articulating how much I want to live in a real house, with real rooms and furniture and a bed that's not on loan for just a year. dorm life is its own special breed of beautiful communal living, but I am rapidly outgrowing it.