Dear people in this world,

For christ's sake, stop aplogizing for the things you can't help, the things that aren't your responsibility, and the things that make you who you are. Seriously, just STOP. You're making me crazy trying to take that on, and I can't trust you to make a real apology to me if I need one, because you're wearing the words out. Also, it's absurd. So just stop.

Love

Claire

all you ever did is try

Last night visiting relatives in between the city and home. we spent the last few days with my favourite relatives in the family apple orchard. mom and I baked pie tonight with apples picked from the orchard. sweet, sweet life.

it was a little sad to not go home. I really miss manda and david. but, beyond that, there's not much for me where I grew up anymore besides my wonderful, wonderful family, my two best friends, and a sense of familiarity. but when I feel like I'm falling, there's nothing in the world that looks better. except an apartment off campus. I have trouble articulating how much I want to live in a real house, with real rooms and furniture and a bed that's not on loan for just a year. dorm life is its own special breed of beautiful communal living, but I am rapidly outgrowing it.

I'm keeping all my doubts close

Why hello there. It's been a very very long time since I've posted anything on this bloggity. That's only testament to exactly how non-stop my academics have been. I'm taking 21 credits this semester. I am taking: Physics 110, Econ 100, Islamic Law, French 301, and sociology class about the Middle East, and I'm also teaching two conversation groups for French 101. In terms of the less academic things, I'm the Administrative Assistant to the treasurer of the student government, working on applications for school in the summer and fall. And, of course, knitting and playing music and going to concerts.

The last month has had its ups and downs, trying to sort out how to balance my time-consuming academics with my sortofrelationship and friendships. And where to put me time in all of that? Finding free time is a struggle, so I make homework time me time, lots of the time. And being sick for two weeks set me back a lot. The last week has been very, very stressful. Certainly one of the busiest of my life, but not as busy as the last week of school last semester when I went home to be with family in the middle of finals and then came back to sort things out, had a break up, lost a beloved family member, had to study for finals, pack myself up and say goodbye to my first year of college, my friends and take a step into a new era of my life.

The weather has finally turned from sunny and warm to cold and rainy. A part of me loves and will always love the rainy cold depressing weather we get here, but another part of me struggles when it turns. It's not a conscious thing, but my feelings get a little achey when the sun stops shining and if I'm not paying attention I forget it's about the weather, not me.

I have been starting to see the ways that sophomore year is going to challenge me. It's a little bit painful: there's a sense of stagnation sometimes. There's no more of the sense of starting a huge new journey in my life the way there was last year, but there's a sense of buckling down to do what is the right work to be doing now and a sense of finding things. And there's still a sense of being lost and being found all at once. I keep finding myself feeling introverted at times when other people are feeling extroverted and vice versa.

Joshy and I went on our first date on Friday night. By that, I mean we went off campus to dinner just the two of us for the first time ever. No friends, and not on campus. It was incredibly wonderful and strange to finally be on a "real" date with someone I've been dating on and off for the last... five months?

Last night, Lauren, Casey, Danielle and I went off campus to a sukkot celebration that our beautiful friend Liam was throwing at Aliyah's house. There were so many beautiful people there, and tea candles and a wonderful sukkah and delicious food. I made my first potato kugel; it was delicious. Katherine invited me to go to a concert with her, so I went. It was nice to be spontaneous and with new people and at a house show, not a venue. The music was pretty good, too. Mostly it was nice to be out with people I really like but don't know terribly well in a new place doing something I don't do often.

PIE

I just made pie from scratch.  It was my first ever pie crust experience, and I knew to be extra careful to not overwork the dough.  It came out perfect: I baked a pie crust without the filling after brushing it with an egg glaze.  Earlier today I went to the farmer's market and bought three giant juicy peaches and a basket of fresh strawberries, so Lauren tossed those with three tablespoons of sugar.  That made them ooze and make a sweet syrup.  We also tried to make whipped cream by hand but we decided on thickened cream to pour over top instead.  So instead of baking the filling into the crust, we just put the tossed fruit in the baked pie shell and poured the thickened cream over each slice.  It was a bout of creativity and spontaneity in the kitchen.  I love baking with the girlies.  

Last weekend we made lasagna together at Dave's apartment and we did the same kind of making things up as we went.  It was also really delicious.  We have kitchen magic.  

new year

in my life as an academic, I have come to understand that the year actually starts in january and ends in december, but I refuse to change my perspective.  the year starts when school starts and ends when school ends and the rest is limbo time called summer vacation.  in any case, happy new year!  I'm back at school, all moved into my room with danielle.  this year it's east facing, which means that we get morning light instead of north facing as in no light at all, and also is on the route of the trash truck at seven a.m. on mondays, incidentally.  I assume we'll get used to that but... who knows? the room looks great and already feels kind of like home.  the city feels like home for sure, and being united with friends and the boy has been most like coming home.  saying goodbye to the parents was hard, again, but it gets better with time.  I had three classes this morning...  physics looks like it might be a little more mathematical than I anticipated, but I do have my graphing calculator, and casey's a math minor so I should be set.  I'm hoping to get started as a french tutor soon, if possible.  flexible hours and decent pay, plus material that I love: ideal. 

I just went on a walk with my dear darling wonderful friend john.  it was really wonderful.  we went to south campus and picked fresh pears and blackberries and talked about where we are in life right now and just had some simple fun. a little reunion dinner tonight at six with everyone!  and emily's coming too to meet everyone... we're going to need lots of tables pushed together.  we're always that group in the cafeteria anyway.  and we're proud of it. 

experiment

so: it's been two weeks since the summer of Arabic ended and usual summer programmes began in the life of me.  the results?  not good.  It turns out that in the last year, I've so completely devoted myself to academics that I can't really function as a normal nineteen year old.  Being unoccupied is a hazard.  Commence looking for projects.

you can talk a real big game up

looking at this next week with a lot of apprehension.  we have our final exam on thursday, and our oral exam for class (I'm doing a presentation in arabic on Qur'an recitation), and in addition to that we have two Oral Proficiency Interviews to prove our level of comprehension and ability to synthesize.  I'm pretty nervous. the downside to this programme is that there isn't really enough time to absorb words quantitatively.  we've gone through a lot of grammar concepts and patterns that I haven't had any trouble absorbing, but there are only so many words I can get in my brain at once.  that makes me nervous for the oral interviews.  but, I'll practice lots before and hope it works out well for me.  I don't expect outstanding marks, I'd just like to be able to use a positive level on transfer applications.  I think I also should probably take a French OPI at some point so that I can put that on applications, too. 

tonight the arabic programme cooked dinner for all the other programmes here.  we made kabob and shawarma and tajine and shish taouk and lybian rice and tabouli and yogurt salad and salata al-borduqal and baklava and kunafa and adeer al-afukadu.  it was really delicious.  cooking together was a lot of fun, and then sitting down to eat together felt like family.  it was really enjoyable.  

I only have five more days here, which I am pretty happy about.  I'm ready for a little bit of summer vacation before heading back to the city for fall semester.  it's going to be a very busy semester.  I can't wait to get back to it, and I especially can't wait to get back to my life and figure out what it is.  this summer school adventure has sort of shaken me up and now I can't really even tell if I have my bearings on what I want or even what I'm doing.  so in the next few weeks, I'm going to be listening to a lot of music, exercising a lot and journaling often in order to try to sort things out.  

the longer I've been here the more sure I am that I need to try to transfer colleges...  it's a sad realization;  I never thought I'd really feel this way.  it's saddest because I don't want to leave based on not liking where I am, but because I need more.  I am so happy in the city with my people.  

I have to start packing up here soon.  I'm glad to be leaving.  for once in my life, I don't think I'll have a hard time with leaving somewhere.  I will miss my friends here very much.  some of them are the most genuine people I've ever had a chance to spend time with, which is a strange sensation.  but I can feel in myself that I'm ready to move into what's coming next.  it's going to be important for me to keep attention on myself and my goals in the coming semester.  I have a lot of things to figure out and a lot of work to do in order to do that.  

David set off this morning on his poetry adventure.  he texted me this morning as he was leaving, and I got swept up in that sensation of adventure:  what an incredible one he is stepping into today.  I wish that I could be there with him...  but it reminded me that I am adventuring to, just in a more contained way.  

there are a few hours left of sunlight today.  I'm going to go sit in the fresh air and work on some crazy arabic grammar, and possibly do some figuring out of where I am these days.