: )

After almost ten months of being in this relationship, it is still wonderful. It's hasn't been wonderful the whole time, but it's always been worth it. For example, on the way home from the Dean/Rove debate (which was amazing to witness), John asked me how I feel about the word homosexual. I said, in certain contexts, especially scientific, technical or medical, I consider it very appropriate. But in more casual contexts, I do consider it insensitive for someone to say homosexual, especially if they also use the word straight to refer to heterosexuality. Anyway, Josh and I ended up in a discussion about it that wasn't entirely sensitive from both sides (he didn't agree with me, and when I said I had some personal experience on the topic, which he thought meant I didn't think his opinion mattered). But the happy resolution to the story is that it never got very personal and it was resolved very cheerfully. I think it's a good sign for us. Ten months is a long long time. And even as a person who used to identify as a lesbian (or at least as lesbian-leaning, I don't have any sadness about that. So, take that world.

In other news, my classes are boring this semester and I'm grappling for something to care about. Ironically, my French Literature class is my favourite. I usually dread going to my French classes. I'm superficially busy: lots of places to go, things to do, but none of them particularly interest me. But I did sort of sign up for this boredom.

And now I'm hungry. Grilled cheese and tomato soup time.

today would have been my grandpa's ninety-fifth birthday. since he died in april, i've mostly gotten used to not having him around, but it's his first birthday that he won't celebrate. i got a text from dad at breakfast saying that it was grandpa's birthday, which of course I hadn't thought of. then, of course, i had to get out of the cafeteria as fast as possible. nobody wants to be the girl that cries in the Bon. it's a strange kind of sadness, though. i wouldn't feel this sad if i hadn't had the opportunity to love him as much as i did.

classes are going well so far. french conversation is by far the most awkward class I have ever taken, but it's a lot of fun most of the time. we were studying french puns on friday. then we had to make one up (porcelain=pour sa laine) and write a skit about it. french literature is a great class so far. we're reading Béroul's Tristan et Iseut, which is a really old piece of writing. the edition we're using includes the old french, which is really cool to look at, but i don't have the slightest idea what it says. my behavioral ecology class is pretty interesting. my lab partner is a cynical philosophy major in the last semester of his senior year, so this should be interesting. on tuesday, we're going into the forest to observe wild animal behavior. squirrels and birds and such. and intro to linguistics is interesting for sure. we're learning about phonetics on a very mechanical level, and learning some of the IPA alphabet, which is pretty sweet.

adrian and I are going to go buy red hair dye today and dye a section of her hair. perhaps that will cheer me up.

for the moment

I will probably start writing consistently again soon, but at the moment, that seems too daunting. In the meantime, a few words to describe my semester, and the residual emotions:

stress, busy, success, trying, mediocre, awesome, excitement, confirmation, loss, confusion, extreme, scary, lonely, amazing, friendship, support, fragmentation, fog, precious, questions.

Dear people in this world,

For christ's sake, stop aplogizing for the things you can't help, the things that aren't your responsibility, and the things that make you who you are. Seriously, just STOP. You're making me crazy trying to take that on, and I can't trust you to make a real apology to me if I need one, because you're wearing the words out. Also, it's absurd. So just stop.

Love

Claire

all you ever did is try

Last night visiting relatives in between the city and home. we spent the last few days with my favourite relatives in the family apple orchard. mom and I baked pie tonight with apples picked from the orchard. sweet, sweet life.

it was a little sad to not go home. I really miss manda and david. but, beyond that, there's not much for me where I grew up anymore besides my wonderful, wonderful family, my two best friends, and a sense of familiarity. but when I feel like I'm falling, there's nothing in the world that looks better. except an apartment off campus. I have trouble articulating how much I want to live in a real house, with real rooms and furniture and a bed that's not on loan for just a year. dorm life is its own special breed of beautiful communal living, but I am rapidly outgrowing it.

I'm keeping all my doubts close

Why hello there. It's been a very very long time since I've posted anything on this bloggity. That's only testament to exactly how non-stop my academics have been. I'm taking 21 credits this semester. I am taking: Physics 110, Econ 100, Islamic Law, French 301, and sociology class about the Middle East, and I'm also teaching two conversation groups for French 101. In terms of the less academic things, I'm the Administrative Assistant to the treasurer of the student government, working on applications for school in the summer and fall. And, of course, knitting and playing music and going to concerts.

The last month has had its ups and downs, trying to sort out how to balance my time-consuming academics with my sortofrelationship and friendships. And where to put me time in all of that? Finding free time is a struggle, so I make homework time me time, lots of the time. And being sick for two weeks set me back a lot. The last week has been very, very stressful. Certainly one of the busiest of my life, but not as busy as the last week of school last semester when I went home to be with family in the middle of finals and then came back to sort things out, had a break up, lost a beloved family member, had to study for finals, pack myself up and say goodbye to my first year of college, my friends and take a step into a new era of my life.

The weather has finally turned from sunny and warm to cold and rainy. A part of me loves and will always love the rainy cold depressing weather we get here, but another part of me struggles when it turns. It's not a conscious thing, but my feelings get a little achey when the sun stops shining and if I'm not paying attention I forget it's about the weather, not me.

I have been starting to see the ways that sophomore year is going to challenge me. It's a little bit painful: there's a sense of stagnation sometimes. There's no more of the sense of starting a huge new journey in my life the way there was last year, but there's a sense of buckling down to do what is the right work to be doing now and a sense of finding things. And there's still a sense of being lost and being found all at once. I keep finding myself feeling introverted at times when other people are feeling extroverted and vice versa.

Joshy and I went on our first date on Friday night. By that, I mean we went off campus to dinner just the two of us for the first time ever. No friends, and not on campus. It was incredibly wonderful and strange to finally be on a "real" date with someone I've been dating on and off for the last... five months?

Last night, Lauren, Casey, Danielle and I went off campus to a sukkot celebration that our beautiful friend Liam was throwing at Aliyah's house. There were so many beautiful people there, and tea candles and a wonderful sukkah and delicious food. I made my first potato kugel; it was delicious. Katherine invited me to go to a concert with her, so I went. It was nice to be spontaneous and with new people and at a house show, not a venue. The music was pretty good, too. Mostly it was nice to be out with people I really like but don't know terribly well in a new place doing something I don't do often.

PIE

I just made pie from scratch.  It was my first ever pie crust experience, and I knew to be extra careful to not overwork the dough.  It came out perfect: I baked a pie crust without the filling after brushing it with an egg glaze.  Earlier today I went to the farmer's market and bought three giant juicy peaches and a basket of fresh strawberries, so Lauren tossed those with three tablespoons of sugar.  That made them ooze and make a sweet syrup.  We also tried to make whipped cream by hand but we decided on thickened cream to pour over top instead.  So instead of baking the filling into the crust, we just put the tossed fruit in the baked pie shell and poured the thickened cream over each slice.  It was a bout of creativity and spontaneity in the kitchen.  I love baking with the girlies.  

Last weekend we made lasagna together at Dave's apartment and we did the same kind of making things up as we went.  It was also really delicious.  We have kitchen magic.