things

here are some goals and thoughts for the beginning of the semester:

work on  time management.  I will be working on this for the rest of my life.

work hard on homework and get straight As.  

be clean and tidy.

do yoga. 

get sleep.

read for pleasure, but after I am done with my homework. 

pay attention more.  to everything.

hyper-drive uncertainty

coming back to school has been making me feel so unsure of things.  even the idea of myself and how I behave (this is not even as cool as an existential crisis) has been very unclear.  I played cards with some friends tonight and had a lot of fun and laughed a lot, but didn't feel very much like myself.  maybe it was just a part of me I don't like very much.  anyway, at then end of the game, I felt saturated.  then I couldn't focus at all on cleaning my room or doing homework so I baked a cake.  the people that I fed it to were really grateful but it was very selfish for the most part.  I needed a distraction and I needed to feel something positive.  that's rather an ethical dilemma but I don't really believe that motive is necessarily able to degrade the act itself.  I can't really land on one or even a few simple ideas about why I feel this way.  I wasn't able to conclude anything except that I miss home and my family and my friends from home and also that, as Lauren says, stepping back into the routine is rough.  Those things are definitely true.  But I also feel bourn by a deep restlessness and dissatisfaction.  It's not a dissatisfaction with my life or anything in particular, but really just an inexplicable sense there being something missing from my life.  tomorrow, I will try to get ahead on my homework so that when Monday rolls around, I will be on top of my game.  maybe things will start to get better once I feel more in control of my school stuff.  I don't know.  none of this is particularly bad.  in my happiness class, we've been talking about how philosophies of happiness are frequently tied to the ideas of pleasure and pain.  not just one or the other but the essential dichotomy of both.  

in other less important news, I am thinking about rearranging my side of my room.  I'd like to put my mattress on the floor under my lofted bed frame, and then put my fridge on my bed frame and my desk where my fridge is and my bookshelf where the trash is and the trash also on top of my bed frame.  I think I'll try and do it within the next two weeks or so, but I need some extra strong bodies to help me.  Maybe I can get some extra bed parts from the bed parts room and make a very low bottom bunk for my mattress and then I won't have to be right on the floor.  I'll let you know what happens with that.

if this is any indication

if today's electronic music class was any indication, I think it has the potential to change my life.  the software is pretty challenging for someone like me who knows nothing about it, but the prof is solid on the knowledge so it's working out.  I bought a different notebook for the class that is working out perfectly.  it has blank pages so that I can scribble diagrams and make charts and stuff.  I would like to get the software that we use onto my macbook so that I can keep working over the summer.  the programme is set up to look exactly like a soundboard and rack.  you can even "spin the rack around" or whatever and see where the cables are.  why didn't I pay attention when we were doing this in high school tech theatre?  the answer to that is that I hated it.  and I probably still would if it wasn't about making music.  

every inch

I have had a delightful day.  I woke up early today before anyone else on my floor and went grocery shopping.  It was very very cold and very very peaceful to be up so early.  The grocery store sent me some coupons before break and they expire tomorrow so I used them up today which meant feeling very satisfied with my ability to survive in the world.  Then I came back and read Ways of Seeing by John Berger.  It was fascinating.  So rarely does one find a book that is simultaneously simple and provocative of a deep revelation.  I highly recommend it.  It's quite short so one can read it in a few hours, and it explains things about our current condition so accurately that one can hardly refused to be changed by it.  After breakfast shenanigans, I organised my closet and other areas of my side of my dorm room.  Then, when Lauren and Danielle came back from taking a test, we went into town.  It was bitterly cold and rather dark.  We went to a little record store with a very specific selection of genres.  Lauren bought the new Andrew Bird CD that looks delicious.  Then we went to an art store so John could get some stuff for his art class.  I debated for while whether or not I wanted to buy a moleskin notebook for my Electronic Music class notes.  Then  I decided that 11 dollars is about 5 dollars too many to pay for a little notebook.  I'll find a cheaper one to serve the same function.  In any case, after that, Danielle and Michael and I went to the little Thai food stand that we love and got yellow curry and came back.  When we came back, we discovered that Anan had made traditional Chinese Lunar New Year food for us to eat.  Strange and delicious.  We ate doughnuts we'd gotten at the delicious 21 hours a day bakery in town and gave him one in exchange for his making delicious food.  Then we ended up curled up in the common room playing Truth (Truth or Dare without Dares because they're boring).  That was a nice bonding experience.  We were all calm and relaxed and open so it was good.  Now it's snowing again.  That was pretty much my Saturday.  Tomorrow, there's a free concert at a venue downtown and we're going to see Blitzen Trapper at 10:30 at night.  Should be delightful. 

good news

My poem "The Light of Seville" was published in the poetry issue of the monthly west-coast Sufi Ruhaniat publication, which is an honour.  It was also the last paper issue of The Sound (the aforementioned publication) because the foundation that gave money to printing The Sound and a lot of other non-profits lost a huge chunk of funding in the Madoff collapse.  So, it was a joy to be published in the issue and a somewhat sad and angry discovery that it's the last paper issue.  It's always a disappointment to me when people think that electronic publishing is somehow better than the good old paper way.  There's something so satisfying about a book that doesn't come with the glowing screens we're inundated with daily.  A computer or kindle or whatever comes next will never be able to replace the incredible delight of a book between one's palms and the black lettering against the creamy pages.  Anyway, The Sound didn't really have a choice except to go electronic or stop publishing.  I guess it's the better of two not-so-good solutions.

Tomorrow I leave to go back to the big city.  I'm prepared for the cold and more than ready to see my friends again.  

packing up

everything's getting suitcased for the trip back to the big city on monday.  I don't really remember too much of what I brought or what I have up there so it's hard to determine what should be packed and what shouldn't, except that I know I need everything I own to keep me warm.  it's been so warm here all month that it's hard to think about going back to the big cold wet beautiful city.  I'm ready, though.  my parents keep telling me that they'd be so happy if I stayed, but they do this little sad smile while they say it, so I know it's true what they're saying but we all know that I have my own life that I have to pursue and they wouldn't really be all that excited if I was just bumming around home working for minimum wage and not feeding my mind.  it's just bittersweet, and we're all feeling it.  

I went up north for a few days to see my best friends, Amanda and Spencer.  I got to meet their new friends, who are great and my dear old friend Natalie as well.  it was a great trip because of that, but also I got to reaffirm the feeling that I had when I was picking out schools, which is that if I'd gone with them, I'd be happy to be with them, but I'd have missed out on the experience of having to really do this college thing on my own.  it's all worked out anyway, because we're still really tight, but we're also getting to have separate lives, which will be good in the long run, but we know we have each other no matter what.  still, I get these huge stabs of missing them at least once a day.  it's pretty terrible even though it's good.  I guess it's bittersweet, too.  

this place

this place is incredibly beautiful. I am so happy that I came. I'm not sure I want to leave.

all set

These are the things that are going to make this trip good:

iPod loaded with good music, most of it new

lots of time to write

letter-writing opportunity 

beach time 

a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel

a book of poetry from Casey

knitting packed in my carry-on

good people, but not really friends so I can spend lots of time alone

being on retreat

Per the question of publishing, I submitted a couple of poems to the poetry issue of The Sound, which is the monthly Sufi publication of the Sufi Ruhaniat International.  I got a couple of poems published last time they had a poetry issue, so I'm hoping, but the work I submitted this year is really different...  There's some suspense.  It's not a huge deal, but it's good for the resumé and self-confidence.  It's the January issue, so hopefully it will be here when I get back.