ar-rahim

I am not really in the proper frame of mind to work on homework right now, so it's blog time... It's harder and harder for me to focus during the day and easier and easier to focus in the middle of the night.  This is a great discovery because now I know how to make myself productive, but it has a very serious negative aspect, which is that when I stay up till three thirty in the morning, I still have to get up at 8 the next morning.  My work is better when I do it in the middle of the night, but I am so sleepy during class that I wonder if it's really worth it.  

I have figured somethings out within the last few days that have been really helpful to know.  Some of them have to do with people in my life and some have to do with understanding patterns in my life and how some of them are patterns that I set in motion and some are patterns that I am just a part of, regardless of my choices...  And in the last few days, figuring out the trajectory that I want to set my life in has been an incredible journey.  I know it could change, and I may have to make this journey again countless times to other conclusions, but it is also possible that I am truly landing somewhere like home.  I don't know.  But I am going to trust myself to have found something good.  I'm still going to keep fighting the school to recognise the Arabic work I'm going to be doing, but I've also decided that maybe it doesn't matter as much what's on paper if I just decide to be okay with it.  I'm going to do do all the same work and if the school chooses to come round and recognise it, then that'll be ideal.  But if they don't, I think I can live with that.  

Really, I think that most of what's going on for me is just that I've developed a very solid sense of equanimity within the last three weeks or so.  It's been a lot time coming; I've been working on this for so long and I will have to keep working on it forever, but right now, I know what it feels like.  When I catch myself getting really caught up in thinking about what other people think of me and Oh, I wish things could be this way, it's not as much work to get back to an equilibrium.   I don't think I've ever felt so steady.  It's a particular kind of strength that comes from knowing that I am more in charge of me than I have ever been before.  I'm less off-kilter than ever before.  I wouldn't say I'm still, in fact I could hardly say that I would be steady if I was still.  I'm just grounded and good.  

I'm trying to eat better and exercise more.  The other day, I discovered a beautiful beautiful trail in a nearby park that I think is probably a few miles long.  It's just incredible terrain.  When I went the other day, the sun was shining through the trees and I had that feeling of being so tiny and wonderfully insignificant. 

Today feels like Sunday.  I don't like that.