Letdown

And now we break from our regularly-programmed Sunday evening essay writing to bring you the following message: 

The silent retreat this weekend was a letdown.  It wasn't even really silent, which was pretty disappointing.  I am glad that I got a scholarship; otherwise I would feel that it was money wasted.  The parts of the silent retreat that were silent meditation (which was about half the day) were great, but the other parts I could have really done without.  This morning, though, I woke up early by accident, so I went for a run to the nearby nature preserve, wandered of the path (shhhh, don't tell) and meditated in the woods for awhile.  It was very pleasant.  It started raining when I was walking back (I'm not in as good of shape as I'd like to be...), but it hasn't been very cold today, so I walked back very slowly and enjoyed feeling the rain and looking at the beautiful trees and the beautiful people that I came across.

I am really working on not getting attached and possessive.  That's my internal work right now.  It's hard.  We are so instinctively programmed to enjoy things and then try to claim them as our own, especially people.  So I'm letting that go.  It's hard work, but I am definitely improving.   A few months ago, it was much harder.  Right now, I have a great deal more capability to take care of myself, and I don't really need people to hold me up.  Obviously, big words for a college student being supported by her parents, but the emotional stuff is different and right now I have a very solid handle on that.