hotel california

I just got off the phone with my wonderful friend, Eric.  Good lord, I love that kid.  I've known him for five years, but we've spent two weeks together out of all that time.  And yet, we have the most exquisite friendship.  We just get each other.  We haven't talked since August, but we had the most fantastic conversation.  And, best of all, he's going to go to school three hours north of me next year, so we'll be very close.  

In other news, tomorrow I'm going to see Joshy!  Much excitement.  I've got to leave home at six thirty in the morning to catch a bus, then wait for an hour and a half, then catch another bus and then wait in a Dunkin Donuts for at least half an hour... probably longer.  But at the end of all that, there will be camping.  And that, my dears, is good enough for me. 

I also found a Gipsy Kings cover of Hotel California that is brilliant.  

Israel

This article was in the New York Times this morning:

click here

I have a hard time sometimes explaining to people why I don't blindly support Israel.  It's complicated, I suppose, because I'm Jewish by heritage, and I think a lot of people assume that because of that, and because I'm American, I'll support any action Israel takes.  For me, it's more complicated.  

First of all, I don't think Israel should have been created in the first place.  I know it's age-old Holy Land.  I know Jews have lived there for centuries.  I know we felt like we needed to compensate for atrocities during WWII and gave into zionist pressures as a solution for our remorse.  I get all of that, and I know how we got where we are today.  I can follow the logic, but I think it's faulty.  First of all, Israel was Palestine before the British colonized after WWI, which means an entire people with their own government was established there, and the British overturned it. Then, even worse, they passed it on instead of returning it.  So, in a way, Israel is one of the last hold outs of British colonization efforts.  But, even so, it's too late to take it back now.  So, regardless of potential illegitimacies, Israel exists, and has a lot of power.

But in the immediacy of the moment, the most important thing to me right now is how we continue to support Israel, regardless of blatant violations of human rights.  It's as simple as this: Israel has the right to defend itself against real enemies.  So, Hamas, Hezbollah, and other organizations that have attacked Israel are fair game for action in a practical sense.  However, instead of taking action against the organizations themselves, Israel chooses to take action against Palestinians by denying aid and bombing public space.  Not only is this horrifying because of what it has done to those living in Gaza and the West Bank, but it perpetuates the conflict by driving ordinary citizens to the kind of desperation that leads them to join terrorist networks in the first place.  

So please, Israel, America, rethink Israel/Palestine policy.  It's not working. 

keeping busy, keeping one step ahead of boredom

I haven't been truly bored in a long, long time.  Years, maybe.  I refuse to start now.  In retrospect, though, I could probably do with a little bit of slowing down.  I haven't taken much time to sit still since january, really.  

Monday may be the time to start.  Joshy and I are going camping on Monday.  I'm very very excited.  We're meeting in the middle.  Four hours of driving each, then driving out into the mountains for three days, two nights.  It's bound to be good.  We've never spent so much time alone together.  Or that much time together with no breaks.  I'm really looking forward to being outside, being together, getting a chance to slow down... 

I've done so much driving in the last four days.  I'm ready to sit still.  Tomorrow, I'm having tea with my two favourite teachers from high school.  I'm looking forward to it for sure.  I've changed a lot since high school, but I think they'll be excited to hear about it and I'm really excited to spend some quality time with adults.  

Also, Manda's leaving for two and a half months.  Not cool.  

Crevasse

today melissa is here visiting from the big city.  it has been absolutely beautiful weather so far.  this morning, we met up with manda, dylan, natalie, spencer, jj, joy and margie to go for a hike and a swim.  we hiked five miles into a canyon to a beautiful watering hole.  it was  surrounded by red rocks and beautiful vegetation... it was a tough hike to get there, though, and it was hot and very sunny.  it was wonderful but mel got super dehydrated and now she's sick.  that's not cool at all.

inside, inside, inside

It's been raining on and off here since I got back from my little road trip.  It's lovely... it reminds me of the big city, but the smell is different here because the pavement is drier when the water hits it.  rain in the desert is the most beautifully unique smell.  it's glorious.  last night, when I got home I just went out on the back patio and just sat under the stars.  it was so so beautiful.  the stars in the big city hide in the pink sky too often and when they do come out, they're very dim.  they seem closer here.  

I'm in the middle of buying my textbooks for next semester off the internet.  Also an Arabic-English Dictionary and hopefully I can figure out what textbook I need for the summer... and maybe a little treat for myself?  I'm looking for a super cheap copy of The Unbearable Lightness of Being...  we'll see what I find.  Buying textbooks is painful.  They're so expensive, I hate it. But it's the one college expense I have to handle by myself, so I guess that's alright.  

Speaking of expenses, I am looking at trying to get a job spring semester.  Economy, please improve so that I can find employment in eight months. okay? okay.

long distance movie date was mostly wonderful.  technology was not on our side, so we had to scrape a solution together, but it worked out very nicely.  About a Boy is a wonderful movie. we had some good talking time, too. I miss that kid so much.  

relish

long distance movie date tonight.  we're watching About a Boy and praying technology is on our side.  

hot hot hot

Four hours south visiting friends in a city that reaches higher temperatures this time of year than some places can even dream about. Whew. It's really hot.

I had to hear it in the right way, but I'm ready to let my mind stop chewing on it over and over. I'm waiting for the next step reveal itself, and I get that that will probably take a very long time. Maybe there will be some revelation. In the meantime, I have work to do. Projects to figure out and work through. Novels to read. Letters to write. Hats to knit.

One of the best things I've learned this year is not to apologize unless it's needed. I don't need to apologize for myself, just things that I do wrong. Also, now it really bothers me when people apologize for nothing all. the. time. In the end, I can't trust those people to give sincere apologies when they're needed.

welcome

turmoil

update

also, here's my updated reading list:

Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier

Sailor Song by Ken Kesey

Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safron Foer

The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

What is the What by Dave Eggers

100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers

Gaviotas by Alan Weisman

The World Without Us by Alan Weisman

Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Annie Dillard

first day home

positives:

Amanda

full kitchen at my disposal

so much time to read books

family

getting to travel in a car

having time to throw stuff away

negatives:

I miss my city

I miss my new friends

I miss all the adventures

I am not sure what to do with myself

End of the First Year

Airport again.  This time going home for four months.  It's more like leaving home for four months, going to another home for 5 weeks, going to summer school somewhere completely different for two months, and then coming home for two weeks again before I go to my home home for another four months.  It's very hard to leave this city.  It feels like leaving a person.  I had a whole day to say good-bye to her and Melissa.  I found my favourite Thai food stand again.  They'd gotten a bigger kitchen cart and moved to a parking lot where it would fit.  I was very pleased to find that their reason for moving was their success.  Their pad thai is to die for.  I found gifts for the people back home that I wanted to give them to.  Don't tell my mama but I pretended to forget it was Mother's Day so that she'll be surprised that I remembered to shop for her.  

Saying good-byes has been tremendously difficult.  To feel such affinity for people I've known only eight, or in some cases four months seems strange logically, but is absolutely the natural reality of my life here.  I haven't gone around saying it until I was sure it was true, but there are people here that I love.  My three lovely girls, Lauren, Casey and Danielle; the ones I can't define, John, Melissa and Josh; and the ones that are simply truly my friends, Liam, Adrian, Ian, Annan, Annalisa, Katherine, Rachel, Morgan, Zoe, and Nathan... and even the lovely acquaintances that I can call friends, who would be too great to list.  And I'm sure I've forgotten many people.  

This year, aside from the details and specifics of my academics, I've learned how to live in a city without my parents, how to meet people that I will love, how to think in a completely new and wiser way, how to cut loose, how to focus, how to appreciate music, books and art on a completely new level and how to miss people.  I've devoted myself to my old friends and my new ones, my academics and my social life, my present and my future.  And I've grown so much.  When I think about who I was in August, it's not who I am now.  It's a smaller, more limited, less capable version of who I am now.  

I'm not looking forward to this summer, except for family, the friends I consider family, and two months of Arabic.  I plan to be much more careful about how I spend time with people at home and at summer school.  I am glad that it's only the summer.  

It will be strange to be home without grandpa.  He's been such an important presence in my life for the last five years, there's certainly a visceral hole now.  I imagine the sense of that will only be stronger at home.  It hasn't even been a week since I flew home to be there for his passing, but these last six days have been so full that it has been almost timeless.  

So, first year of college, thank you.  

homecoming

I'm back in the airport again.  I'm supposed to start my finals tomorrow morning, but I'm flying home.  Mom called this morning saying Grandpa is in the hospital probably for the last time.  I've been expecting this phone call all year.   Expecting isn't preparing, though.  I'm not prepared.  

I'm here, though.  

I spent the last five minutes doing something I realize now is desperately searching for a distraction: food, books, the Office.  I caught myself, though.  We're boarding soon anyway so it doesn't really matter.  And it's okay to be distracted, I know.  It's just when the only point to doing something is a distraction, I've got to look for something better to do. 

It's okay.

I hit my head really hard on a dresser drawer last night.  I spent the whole evening feeling sore and slightly dazed.  I feel the same way now, but different catalyst.  My head has been aching all day (this day has literally felt like a week) and I can't bring myself to take anymore ibuprofen.