Amman & Dakar

Hi friends

It just occurred to me that perhaps not everyone knows that I'm keeping track of my year abroad at this blog over here

claireabelleabroad.blogspot.com

in case anyone is interested in following!

napowrimo #4: inside out

The teleologist's complaint

To explain something's existence by

way of what it does leaves unexplained

why something that

does the very same isn't there instead

The schematic four-chambered head,

whose ceaseless pumping circulates breath

loses all poignancy

without the heartbeat: a mere effect.

: )

After almost ten months of being in this relationship, it is still wonderful. It's hasn't been wonderful the whole time, but it's always been worth it. For example, on the way home from the Dean/Rove debate (which was amazing to witness), John asked me how I feel about the word homosexual. I said, in certain contexts, especially scientific, technical or medical, I consider it very appropriate. But in more casual contexts, I do consider it insensitive for someone to say homosexual, especially if they also use the word straight to refer to heterosexuality. Anyway, Josh and I ended up in a discussion about it that wasn't entirely sensitive from both sides (he didn't agree with me, and when I said I had some personal experience on the topic, which he thought meant I didn't think his opinion mattered). But the happy resolution to the story is that it never got very personal and it was resolved very cheerfully. I think it's a good sign for us. Ten months is a long long time. And even as a person who used to identify as a lesbian (or at least as lesbian-leaning, I don't have any sadness about that. So, take that world.

In other news, my classes are boring this semester and I'm grappling for something to care about. Ironically, my French Literature class is my favourite. I usually dread going to my French classes. I'm superficially busy: lots of places to go, things to do, but none of them particularly interest me. But I did sort of sign up for this boredom.

And now I'm hungry. Grilled cheese and tomato soup time.

today would have been my grandpa's ninety-fifth birthday. since he died in april, i've mostly gotten used to not having him around, but it's his first birthday that he won't celebrate. i got a text from dad at breakfast saying that it was grandpa's birthday, which of course I hadn't thought of. then, of course, i had to get out of the cafeteria as fast as possible. nobody wants to be the girl that cries in the Bon. it's a strange kind of sadness, though. i wouldn't feel this sad if i hadn't had the opportunity to love him as much as i did.

classes are going well so far. french conversation is by far the most awkward class I have ever taken, but it's a lot of fun most of the time. we were studying french puns on friday. then we had to make one up (porcelain=pour sa laine) and write a skit about it. french literature is a great class so far. we're reading Béroul's Tristan et Iseut, which is a really old piece of writing. the edition we're using includes the old french, which is really cool to look at, but i don't have the slightest idea what it says. my behavioral ecology class is pretty interesting. my lab partner is a cynical philosophy major in the last semester of his senior year, so this should be interesting. on tuesday, we're going into the forest to observe wild animal behavior. squirrels and birds and such. and intro to linguistics is interesting for sure. we're learning about phonetics on a very mechanical level, and learning some of the IPA alphabet, which is pretty sweet.

adrian and I are going to go buy red hair dye today and dye a section of her hair. perhaps that will cheer me up.

for the moment

I will probably start writing consistently again soon, but at the moment, that seems too daunting. In the meantime, a few words to describe my semester, and the residual emotions:

stress, busy, success, trying, mediocre, awesome, excitement, confirmation, loss, confusion, extreme, scary, lonely, amazing, friendship, support, fragmentation, fog, precious, questions.

Dear people in this world,

For christ's sake, stop aplogizing for the things you can't help, the things that aren't your responsibility, and the things that make you who you are. Seriously, just STOP. You're making me crazy trying to take that on, and I can't trust you to make a real apology to me if I need one, because you're wearing the words out. Also, it's absurd. So just stop.

Love

Claire

all you ever did is try

Last night visiting relatives in between the city and home. we spent the last few days with my favourite relatives in the family apple orchard. mom and I baked pie tonight with apples picked from the orchard. sweet, sweet life.

it was a little sad to not go home. I really miss manda and david. but, beyond that, there's not much for me where I grew up anymore besides my wonderful, wonderful family, my two best friends, and a sense of familiarity. but when I feel like I'm falling, there's nothing in the world that looks better. except an apartment off campus. I have trouble articulating how much I want to live in a real house, with real rooms and furniture and a bed that's not on loan for just a year. dorm life is its own special breed of beautiful communal living, but I am rapidly outgrowing it.

I'm keeping all my doubts close

Why hello there. It's been a very very long time since I've posted anything on this bloggity. That's only testament to exactly how non-stop my academics have been. I'm taking 21 credits this semester. I am taking: Physics 110, Econ 100, Islamic Law, French 301, and sociology class about the Middle East, and I'm also teaching two conversation groups for French 101. In terms of the less academic things, I'm the Administrative Assistant to the treasurer of the student government, working on applications for school in the summer and fall. And, of course, knitting and playing music and going to concerts.

The last month has had its ups and downs, trying to sort out how to balance my time-consuming academics with my sortofrelationship and friendships. And where to put me time in all of that? Finding free time is a struggle, so I make homework time me time, lots of the time. And being sick for two weeks set me back a lot. The last week has been very, very stressful. Certainly one of the busiest of my life, but not as busy as the last week of school last semester when I went home to be with family in the middle of finals and then came back to sort things out, had a break up, lost a beloved family member, had to study for finals, pack myself up and say goodbye to my first year of college, my friends and take a step into a new era of my life.

The weather has finally turned from sunny and warm to cold and rainy. A part of me loves and will always love the rainy cold depressing weather we get here, but another part of me struggles when it turns. It's not a conscious thing, but my feelings get a little achey when the sun stops shining and if I'm not paying attention I forget it's about the weather, not me.

I have been starting to see the ways that sophomore year is going to challenge me. It's a little bit painful: there's a sense of stagnation sometimes. There's no more of the sense of starting a huge new journey in my life the way there was last year, but there's a sense of buckling down to do what is the right work to be doing now and a sense of finding things. And there's still a sense of being lost and being found all at once. I keep finding myself feeling introverted at times when other people are feeling extroverted and vice versa.

Joshy and I went on our first date on Friday night. By that, I mean we went off campus to dinner just the two of us for the first time ever. No friends, and not on campus. It was incredibly wonderful and strange to finally be on a "real" date with someone I've been dating on and off for the last... five months?

Last night, Lauren, Casey, Danielle and I went off campus to a sukkot celebration that our beautiful friend Liam was throwing at Aliyah's house. There were so many beautiful people there, and tea candles and a wonderful sukkah and delicious food. I made my first potato kugel; it was delicious. Katherine invited me to go to a concert with her, so I went. It was nice to be spontaneous and with new people and at a house show, not a venue. The music was pretty good, too. Mostly it was nice to be out with people I really like but don't know terribly well in a new place doing something I don't do often.

PIE

I just made pie from scratch.  It was my first ever pie crust experience, and I knew to be extra careful to not overwork the dough.  It came out perfect: I baked a pie crust without the filling after brushing it with an egg glaze.  Earlier today I went to the farmer's market and bought three giant juicy peaches and a basket of fresh strawberries, so Lauren tossed those with three tablespoons of sugar.  That made them ooze and make a sweet syrup.  We also tried to make whipped cream by hand but we decided on thickened cream to pour over top instead.  So instead of baking the filling into the crust, we just put the tossed fruit in the baked pie shell and poured the thickened cream over each slice.  It was a bout of creativity and spontaneity in the kitchen.  I love baking with the girlies.  

Last weekend we made lasagna together at Dave's apartment and we did the same kind of making things up as we went.  It was also really delicious.  We have kitchen magic.  

new year

in my life as an academic, I have come to understand that the year actually starts in january and ends in december, but I refuse to change my perspective.  the year starts when school starts and ends when school ends and the rest is limbo time called summer vacation.  in any case, happy new year!  I'm back at school, all moved into my room with danielle.  this year it's east facing, which means that we get morning light instead of north facing as in no light at all, and also is on the route of the trash truck at seven a.m. on mondays, incidentally.  I assume we'll get used to that but... who knows? the room looks great and already feels kind of like home.  the city feels like home for sure, and being united with friends and the boy has been most like coming home.  saying goodbye to the parents was hard, again, but it gets better with time.  I had three classes this morning...  physics looks like it might be a little more mathematical than I anticipated, but I do have my graphing calculator, and casey's a math minor so I should be set.  I'm hoping to get started as a french tutor soon, if possible.  flexible hours and decent pay, plus material that I love: ideal. 

I just went on a walk with my dear darling wonderful friend john.  it was really wonderful.  we went to south campus and picked fresh pears and blackberries and talked about where we are in life right now and just had some simple fun. a little reunion dinner tonight at six with everyone!  and emily's coming too to meet everyone... we're going to need lots of tables pushed together.  we're always that group in the cafeteria anyway.  and we're proud of it. 

experiment

so: it's been two weeks since the summer of Arabic ended and usual summer programmes began in the life of me.  the results?  not good.  It turns out that in the last year, I've so completely devoted myself to academics that I can't really function as a normal nineteen year old.  Being unoccupied is a hazard.  Commence looking for projects.

you can talk a real big game up

looking at this next week with a lot of apprehension.  we have our final exam on thursday, and our oral exam for class (I'm doing a presentation in arabic on Qur'an recitation), and in addition to that we have two Oral Proficiency Interviews to prove our level of comprehension and ability to synthesize.  I'm pretty nervous. the downside to this programme is that there isn't really enough time to absorb words quantitatively.  we've gone through a lot of grammar concepts and patterns that I haven't had any trouble absorbing, but there are only so many words I can get in my brain at once.  that makes me nervous for the oral interviews.  but, I'll practice lots before and hope it works out well for me.  I don't expect outstanding marks, I'd just like to be able to use a positive level on transfer applications.  I think I also should probably take a French OPI at some point so that I can put that on applications, too. 

tonight the arabic programme cooked dinner for all the other programmes here.  we made kabob and shawarma and tajine and shish taouk and lybian rice and tabouli and yogurt salad and salata al-borduqal and baklava and kunafa and adeer al-afukadu.  it was really delicious.  cooking together was a lot of fun, and then sitting down to eat together felt like family.  it was really enjoyable.  

I only have five more days here, which I am pretty happy about.  I'm ready for a little bit of summer vacation before heading back to the city for fall semester.  it's going to be a very busy semester.  I can't wait to get back to it, and I especially can't wait to get back to my life and figure out what it is.  this summer school adventure has sort of shaken me up and now I can't really even tell if I have my bearings on what I want or even what I'm doing.  so in the next few weeks, I'm going to be listening to a lot of music, exercising a lot and journaling often in order to try to sort things out.  

the longer I've been here the more sure I am that I need to try to transfer colleges...  it's a sad realization;  I never thought I'd really feel this way.  it's saddest because I don't want to leave based on not liking where I am, but because I need more.  I am so happy in the city with my people.  

I have to start packing up here soon.  I'm glad to be leaving.  for once in my life, I don't think I'll have a hard time with leaving somewhere.  I will miss my friends here very much.  some of them are the most genuine people I've ever had a chance to spend time with, which is a strange sensation.  but I can feel in myself that I'm ready to move into what's coming next.  it's going to be important for me to keep attention on myself and my goals in the coming semester.  I have a lot of things to figure out and a lot of work to do in order to do that.  

David set off this morning on his poetry adventure.  he texted me this morning as he was leaving, and I got swept up in that sensation of adventure:  what an incredible one he is stepping into today.  I wish that I could be there with him...  but it reminded me that I am adventuring to, just in a more contained way.  

there are a few hours left of sunlight today.  I'm going to go sit in the fresh air and work on some crazy arabic grammar, and possibly do some figuring out of where I am these days.  

wrestles and music

Being here makes me so homesick to be back in the beautiful city with my friends and the music and streets.  And of course the Thai Food and the coffee shops and the beautiful rain clouds.  

It's been very rainy here the last few days.  We've had the most incredible thunderstorms, and I just want to spend whole afternoons in bed with Gabriel Garcia Marquez and a cup of peppermint tea.  

It's funny, when we came here they said we wouldn't be the same when we left.  It's certainly true, but I wonder if they really get the credit for that.  We're here for 8 weeks.  If we didn't change in that time, I'd be more upset.  

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of Yeasayer and Antony & the Johnsons.  Also, the Bon Iver EP is stunning.  Last weekend, the Pitchfork festival was streamed live online.  I watched the Thermals and the Flaming Lips.  Not as good as being there, but a really good medium. 

I'm looking at some pretty big changes in my life in the next year.  I have a lot to look forward to: being a sophomore, a heavy academic schedule for the first semester and then a fair amount of freedom in determining what I do with the second semester, figuring out how to fit Arabic into my life, getting back into French, starting economics classes and seeing where that leads me... so much more, but those are the big things I'm really looking forward to.  

amazing indie covers of pop and rap songs

http://www.hearya.com/2007/05/25/top-10-indie-covers-of-rap-songs/

woah woah woah

They're streaming the pitchfork concert live from Chicago.  I wish I was there.  The Flaming Lips are playing tonight...  so jealous!  They're supposed to be absolutely mindblowing live. I'm watching the Thermals right now: excellent.  But... Lolla in the future is getting me by.  

Speaking of getting by, I've had to take the last few days one at a time.  It's been tough.  The parents are headed to the redwoods today.  It's a trip we take every year as a family, and for the first time, I'm not there.  It's something I look forward to every year.  I'm going to get through today one hour at a time, and probably tomorrow too.  Hopefully I'll find somethings to cheer me up.  I don't know why I've been feeling down, but it doesn't matter why so much as what I need right now.  Probably a good long run and a hard sleep.  

week four and half of week five

The first "semester" of classes are done and I aced the finals as well as the class as a whole.  Yay!  We had no homework for the whole weekend, so it was kind of like a condensed winter break, and then things picked back up on Monday...  If anything, it's harder now.  We've had dictation quizzes everyday, some days we have more than one, and more homework than before.  But it's good.  Today there was an optional Arabic calligraphy class offered after regular class and I went with Lauren II.  It was very cool!  Then Lauren II and I went to the coffee house, which is going out of business today (boo!) and discussed politics.  She worked on the Obama campaign in several states and it was very interesting to hear her talk about what she sees going on right now and what she saw during the campaign.  Also, she's a fantastic person and I really adore her.  After coffee shop adventure, we went to Barnes & Noble and I bought the latest issue of the Atlantic, which looks amazing- check it out- and the Washington Report On Middle East Affairs, which looks really interesting.  And, I bought a set of calligraphy pens for the Arabics.  Very exciting.  

The Dead Weather album was released yesterday.  It is amaaaazing.  Lauren II and I had a homework party listening to it together.  It was excellent usage of our time.

Also, this is just proof of how much we're learning here: I had my first dream in Arabic last night.  Five weeks after knowing only about three phrases and lots of obscure Islamic terms.  I woke myself up I was so excited about it, at three a.m., and there was a thunderstorm going on.  It was a wonderful moment in my life. 

weeks two and three

well, this is certainly an intensive.  after three weeks, we've gotten through six chapters in the book and about a gazillion vocab lists.  My room is where flashcards go to thrive.  I have so many, I think I might asphyxiate amongst them.  Today I wrote a paragraph about an average day in my life...  That should give you a gauge of how quickly we're learning.

The Lolla schedule is up!  I've decided which bands I'm going to see.  (fleeeet foxes! speaking of which, they released a new song).  Very very exciting.  

My French and Arabic are starting to mix.  Very sad.  There are about five other people here who speak at least a little French, so I've been practicing a little, but in conversation, I get the languages mixed a lot.  In terms of writing, though, I obviously have a little bit of an easier time, since they're different alphabets.  It's strange because my spoken French has always been much better than my writing, but it's the opposite with Arabic. 

We have two exams this week: one tomorrow to test the last few chapters we've covered and one on friday that's a final for this first "semester".  I have to go study now.  

first week

in this first week, we've learned about a half a semester worth of Modern Standard Arabic.  basically, this means that we have learned the entire alphabet and all the new sounds that go with it, and a couple of handfuls of useful words and phrases.  and some relatively useless ones, too.   for example, in this first chapter of the second textbook, we've learned the word for united nations (al-uumam al-muTAHida) which is pretty bizarre for this early in a language.  but, oh well.  everything's been going well.  the prof I have for the first three hours of the day calls me pantalontaki  which means smarty pants. it's vindicating.

this town isn't nearly as tiny and awful as expected, but it's reeeeally small.  I'm looking forward to getting into the city next weekend to see Nornen ( :) ).  apparently the programme is supposed to go on some arabic excursion next weekend, too, so hopefully I can meet up with them there.  still trying to work on the details there. 

addendum: 

total injuries suffered in one week of arabic intensive: 4

times fallen down the stairs: 2

times leg ripped open by vicious picnic table: 1

times head whacked on open dresser drawer while doing sit ups: 1

moving day

moved into the new room alllll by myself.  be proud of me. 

I have a double single (CAN I GET AN AMEN?!) in a suite with a girl named Lauren (another Lauren!  don't worry: one will never replace the other), who I already like a lot.  We're going to get along very very well, I think.  my room looks very very good right now; it's very very very big and I liiiike it.  I also made friends with a kid named Max, and he's awesome so... good news. 

also I said something dumb today and someone I like very much is mad at me.  brought it upon myself, but that doesn't make it any easier.  and it's hard being far away from him, and far away from home and in a new place at the same as this little issue.  so, even though it was almost a  perfect day, it is now a really bad one.  

dust to dust

On top of everything else that amounted to a rough day, my grandfather's ashes arrived in the mail today.  What a strange, sad thing.  I miss him everyday.