for the moment

I will probably start writing consistently again soon, but at the moment, that seems too daunting. In the meantime, a few words to describe my semester, and the residual emotions:

stress, busy, success, trying, mediocre, awesome, excitement, confirmation, loss, confusion, extreme, scary, lonely, amazing, friendship, support, fragmentation, fog, precious, questions.

Dear people in this world,

For christ's sake, stop aplogizing for the things you can't help, the things that aren't your responsibility, and the things that make you who you are. Seriously, just STOP. You're making me crazy trying to take that on, and I can't trust you to make a real apology to me if I need one, because you're wearing the words out. Also, it's absurd. So just stop.

Love

Claire

all you ever did is try

Last night visiting relatives in between the city and home. we spent the last few days with my favourite relatives in the family apple orchard. mom and I baked pie tonight with apples picked from the orchard. sweet, sweet life.

it was a little sad to not go home. I really miss manda and david. but, beyond that, there's not much for me where I grew up anymore besides my wonderful, wonderful family, my two best friends, and a sense of familiarity. but when I feel like I'm falling, there's nothing in the world that looks better. except an apartment off campus. I have trouble articulating how much I want to live in a real house, with real rooms and furniture and a bed that's not on loan for just a year. dorm life is its own special breed of beautiful communal living, but I am rapidly outgrowing it.

I'm keeping all my doubts close

Why hello there. It's been a very very long time since I've posted anything on this bloggity. That's only testament to exactly how non-stop my academics have been. I'm taking 21 credits this semester. I am taking: Physics 110, Econ 100, Islamic Law, French 301, and sociology class about the Middle East, and I'm also teaching two conversation groups for French 101. In terms of the less academic things, I'm the Administrative Assistant to the treasurer of the student government, working on applications for school in the summer and fall. And, of course, knitting and playing music and going to concerts.

The last month has had its ups and downs, trying to sort out how to balance my time-consuming academics with my sortofrelationship and friendships. And where to put me time in all of that? Finding free time is a struggle, so I make homework time me time, lots of the time. And being sick for two weeks set me back a lot. The last week has been very, very stressful. Certainly one of the busiest of my life, but not as busy as the last week of school last semester when I went home to be with family in the middle of finals and then came back to sort things out, had a break up, lost a beloved family member, had to study for finals, pack myself up and say goodbye to my first year of college, my friends and take a step into a new era of my life.

The weather has finally turned from sunny and warm to cold and rainy. A part of me loves and will always love the rainy cold depressing weather we get here, but another part of me struggles when it turns. It's not a conscious thing, but my feelings get a little achey when the sun stops shining and if I'm not paying attention I forget it's about the weather, not me.

I have been starting to see the ways that sophomore year is going to challenge me. It's a little bit painful: there's a sense of stagnation sometimes. There's no more of the sense of starting a huge new journey in my life the way there was last year, but there's a sense of buckling down to do what is the right work to be doing now and a sense of finding things. And there's still a sense of being lost and being found all at once. I keep finding myself feeling introverted at times when other people are feeling extroverted and vice versa.

Joshy and I went on our first date on Friday night. By that, I mean we went off campus to dinner just the two of us for the first time ever. No friends, and not on campus. It was incredibly wonderful and strange to finally be on a "real" date with someone I've been dating on and off for the last... five months?

Last night, Lauren, Casey, Danielle and I went off campus to a sukkot celebration that our beautiful friend Liam was throwing at Aliyah's house. There were so many beautiful people there, and tea candles and a wonderful sukkah and delicious food. I made my first potato kugel; it was delicious. Katherine invited me to go to a concert with her, so I went. It was nice to be spontaneous and with new people and at a house show, not a venue. The music was pretty good, too. Mostly it was nice to be out with people I really like but don't know terribly well in a new place doing something I don't do often.

PIE

I just made pie from scratch.  It was my first ever pie crust experience, and I knew to be extra careful to not overwork the dough.  It came out perfect: I baked a pie crust without the filling after brushing it with an egg glaze.  Earlier today I went to the farmer's market and bought three giant juicy peaches and a basket of fresh strawberries, so Lauren tossed those with three tablespoons of sugar.  That made them ooze and make a sweet syrup.  We also tried to make whipped cream by hand but we decided on thickened cream to pour over top instead.  So instead of baking the filling into the crust, we just put the tossed fruit in the baked pie shell and poured the thickened cream over each slice.  It was a bout of creativity and spontaneity in the kitchen.  I love baking with the girlies.  

Last weekend we made lasagna together at Dave's apartment and we did the same kind of making things up as we went.  It was also really delicious.  We have kitchen magic.  

new year

in my life as an academic, I have come to understand that the year actually starts in january and ends in december, but I refuse to change my perspective.  the year starts when school starts and ends when school ends and the rest is limbo time called summer vacation.  in any case, happy new year!  I'm back at school, all moved into my room with danielle.  this year it's east facing, which means that we get morning light instead of north facing as in no light at all, and also is on the route of the trash truck at seven a.m. on mondays, incidentally.  I assume we'll get used to that but... who knows? the room looks great and already feels kind of like home.  the city feels like home for sure, and being united with friends and the boy has been most like coming home.  saying goodbye to the parents was hard, again, but it gets better with time.  I had three classes this morning...  physics looks like it might be a little more mathematical than I anticipated, but I do have my graphing calculator, and casey's a math minor so I should be set.  I'm hoping to get started as a french tutor soon, if possible.  flexible hours and decent pay, plus material that I love: ideal. 

I just went on a walk with my dear darling wonderful friend john.  it was really wonderful.  we went to south campus and picked fresh pears and blackberries and talked about where we are in life right now and just had some simple fun. a little reunion dinner tonight at six with everyone!  and emily's coming too to meet everyone... we're going to need lots of tables pushed together.  we're always that group in the cafeteria anyway.  and we're proud of it. 

experiment

so: it's been two weeks since the summer of Arabic ended and usual summer programmes began in the life of me.  the results?  not good.  It turns out that in the last year, I've so completely devoted myself to academics that I can't really function as a normal nineteen year old.  Being unoccupied is a hazard.  Commence looking for projects.

you can talk a real big game up

looking at this next week with a lot of apprehension.  we have our final exam on thursday, and our oral exam for class (I'm doing a presentation in arabic on Qur'an recitation), and in addition to that we have two Oral Proficiency Interviews to prove our level of comprehension and ability to synthesize.  I'm pretty nervous. the downside to this programme is that there isn't really enough time to absorb words quantitatively.  we've gone through a lot of grammar concepts and patterns that I haven't had any trouble absorbing, but there are only so many words I can get in my brain at once.  that makes me nervous for the oral interviews.  but, I'll practice lots before and hope it works out well for me.  I don't expect outstanding marks, I'd just like to be able to use a positive level on transfer applications.  I think I also should probably take a French OPI at some point so that I can put that on applications, too. 

tonight the arabic programme cooked dinner for all the other programmes here.  we made kabob and shawarma and tajine and shish taouk and lybian rice and tabouli and yogurt salad and salata al-borduqal and baklava and kunafa and adeer al-afukadu.  it was really delicious.  cooking together was a lot of fun, and then sitting down to eat together felt like family.  it was really enjoyable.  

I only have five more days here, which I am pretty happy about.  I'm ready for a little bit of summer vacation before heading back to the city for fall semester.  it's going to be a very busy semester.  I can't wait to get back to it, and I especially can't wait to get back to my life and figure out what it is.  this summer school adventure has sort of shaken me up and now I can't really even tell if I have my bearings on what I want or even what I'm doing.  so in the next few weeks, I'm going to be listening to a lot of music, exercising a lot and journaling often in order to try to sort things out.  

the longer I've been here the more sure I am that I need to try to transfer colleges...  it's a sad realization;  I never thought I'd really feel this way.  it's saddest because I don't want to leave based on not liking where I am, but because I need more.  I am so happy in the city with my people.  

I have to start packing up here soon.  I'm glad to be leaving.  for once in my life, I don't think I'll have a hard time with leaving somewhere.  I will miss my friends here very much.  some of them are the most genuine people I've ever had a chance to spend time with, which is a strange sensation.  but I can feel in myself that I'm ready to move into what's coming next.  it's going to be important for me to keep attention on myself and my goals in the coming semester.  I have a lot of things to figure out and a lot of work to do in order to do that.  

David set off this morning on his poetry adventure.  he texted me this morning as he was leaving, and I got swept up in that sensation of adventure:  what an incredible one he is stepping into today.  I wish that I could be there with him...  but it reminded me that I am adventuring to, just in a more contained way.  

there are a few hours left of sunlight today.  I'm going to go sit in the fresh air and work on some crazy arabic grammar, and possibly do some figuring out of where I am these days.  

wrestles and music

Being here makes me so homesick to be back in the beautiful city with my friends and the music and streets.  And of course the Thai Food and the coffee shops and the beautiful rain clouds.  

It's been very rainy here the last few days.  We've had the most incredible thunderstorms, and I just want to spend whole afternoons in bed with Gabriel Garcia Marquez and a cup of peppermint tea.  

It's funny, when we came here they said we wouldn't be the same when we left.  It's certainly true, but I wonder if they really get the credit for that.  We're here for 8 weeks.  If we didn't change in that time, I'd be more upset.  

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of Yeasayer and Antony & the Johnsons.  Also, the Bon Iver EP is stunning.  Last weekend, the Pitchfork festival was streamed live online.  I watched the Thermals and the Flaming Lips.  Not as good as being there, but a really good medium. 

I'm looking at some pretty big changes in my life in the next year.  I have a lot to look forward to: being a sophomore, a heavy academic schedule for the first semester and then a fair amount of freedom in determining what I do with the second semester, figuring out how to fit Arabic into my life, getting back into French, starting economics classes and seeing where that leads me... so much more, but those are the big things I'm really looking forward to.  

amazing indie covers of pop and rap songs

http://www.hearya.com/2007/05/25/top-10-indie-covers-of-rap-songs/

woah woah woah

They're streaming the pitchfork concert live from Chicago.  I wish I was there.  The Flaming Lips are playing tonight...  so jealous!  They're supposed to be absolutely mindblowing live. I'm watching the Thermals right now: excellent.  But... Lolla in the future is getting me by.  

Speaking of getting by, I've had to take the last few days one at a time.  It's been tough.  The parents are headed to the redwoods today.  It's a trip we take every year as a family, and for the first time, I'm not there.  It's something I look forward to every year.  I'm going to get through today one hour at a time, and probably tomorrow too.  Hopefully I'll find somethings to cheer me up.  I don't know why I've been feeling down, but it doesn't matter why so much as what I need right now.  Probably a good long run and a hard sleep.  

week four and half of week five

The first "semester" of classes are done and I aced the finals as well as the class as a whole.  Yay!  We had no homework for the whole weekend, so it was kind of like a condensed winter break, and then things picked back up on Monday...  If anything, it's harder now.  We've had dictation quizzes everyday, some days we have more than one, and more homework than before.  But it's good.  Today there was an optional Arabic calligraphy class offered after regular class and I went with Lauren II.  It was very cool!  Then Lauren II and I went to the coffee house, which is going out of business today (boo!) and discussed politics.  She worked on the Obama campaign in several states and it was very interesting to hear her talk about what she sees going on right now and what she saw during the campaign.  Also, she's a fantastic person and I really adore her.  After coffee shop adventure, we went to Barnes & Noble and I bought the latest issue of the Atlantic, which looks amazing- check it out- and the Washington Report On Middle East Affairs, which looks really interesting.  And, I bought a set of calligraphy pens for the Arabics.  Very exciting.  

The Dead Weather album was released yesterday.  It is amaaaazing.  Lauren II and I had a homework party listening to it together.  It was excellent usage of our time.

Also, this is just proof of how much we're learning here: I had my first dream in Arabic last night.  Five weeks after knowing only about three phrases and lots of obscure Islamic terms.  I woke myself up I was so excited about it, at three a.m., and there was a thunderstorm going on.  It was a wonderful moment in my life. 

weeks two and three

well, this is certainly an intensive.  after three weeks, we've gotten through six chapters in the book and about a gazillion vocab lists.  My room is where flashcards go to thrive.  I have so many, I think I might asphyxiate amongst them.  Today I wrote a paragraph about an average day in my life...  That should give you a gauge of how quickly we're learning.

The Lolla schedule is up!  I've decided which bands I'm going to see.  (fleeeet foxes! speaking of which, they released a new song).  Very very exciting.  

My French and Arabic are starting to mix.  Very sad.  There are about five other people here who speak at least a little French, so I've been practicing a little, but in conversation, I get the languages mixed a lot.  In terms of writing, though, I obviously have a little bit of an easier time, since they're different alphabets.  It's strange because my spoken French has always been much better than my writing, but it's the opposite with Arabic. 

We have two exams this week: one tomorrow to test the last few chapters we've covered and one on friday that's a final for this first "semester".  I have to go study now.  

first week

in this first week, we've learned about a half a semester worth of Modern Standard Arabic.  basically, this means that we have learned the entire alphabet and all the new sounds that go with it, and a couple of handfuls of useful words and phrases.  and some relatively useless ones, too.   for example, in this first chapter of the second textbook, we've learned the word for united nations (al-uumam al-muTAHida) which is pretty bizarre for this early in a language.  but, oh well.  everything's been going well.  the prof I have for the first three hours of the day calls me pantalontaki  which means smarty pants. it's vindicating.

this town isn't nearly as tiny and awful as expected, but it's reeeeally small.  I'm looking forward to getting into the city next weekend to see Nornen ( :) ).  apparently the programme is supposed to go on some arabic excursion next weekend, too, so hopefully I can meet up with them there.  still trying to work on the details there. 

addendum: 

total injuries suffered in one week of arabic intensive: 4

times fallen down the stairs: 2

times leg ripped open by vicious picnic table: 1

times head whacked on open dresser drawer while doing sit ups: 1

moving day

moved into the new room alllll by myself.  be proud of me. 

I have a double single (CAN I GET AN AMEN?!) in a suite with a girl named Lauren (another Lauren!  don't worry: one will never replace the other), who I already like a lot.  We're going to get along very very well, I think.  my room looks very very good right now; it's very very very big and I liiiike it.  I also made friends with a kid named Max, and he's awesome so... good news. 

also I said something dumb today and someone I like very much is mad at me.  brought it upon myself, but that doesn't make it any easier.  and it's hard being far away from him, and far away from home and in a new place at the same as this little issue.  so, even though it was almost a  perfect day, it is now a really bad one.  

dust to dust

On top of everything else that amounted to a rough day, my grandfather's ashes arrived in the mail today.  What a strange, sad thing.  I miss him everyday.

tornado room

packing for summer school. my room looks like a tornado passed through.  it must have been a fairly organized tornado, though, because the it left piles everywhere. I googled the town that the institute is in and it looks soooo boring.  I hope I can find things to do.  all I'm really asking for, though, is a coffee shop to study and read in.  maybe some place with live music, even if it's usually bad. 

spencer got his mission call.  I'm processing the fact that after tomorrow I won't see him for two years.  overwhelming.  two years is a long time to not have a best friend.  beautiful spencer, I love you.

made sushi with margie and jesse tonight.  that was good.  we also made palmiers.  that was a strange but delicious combination.

this is the funniest thing

this is the funniest thing I have seen in a long long time:

The Daily Show- Arizona State University

cooking over the fire

had a lovely lovely camping trip with joshy.  he forgot the stove, though, so we ended up cooking over an open fire, which was a first.  it was rather fun, though.  we found a nicely isolated campsite in a campground in the mountains.  incidentally, it was in bear territory so we had to put our food in a bear box, and joshy brought an airhorn to scare away any bears we might run across.  we didn't see any bears, though, and on the last day, we decided to try it out since we hadn't needed it, and it turned out it didn't work.  so, it was perfectly alright with me that we didn't see any bears. 

today was ruby's goodbye breakfast.  she leaves tomorrow for london for a year.  I woke up early to get there in time, which wasn't much fun. and then I found a dead mouse drowned in my toilet.  I didn't know what to do and it wouldn't flush down...  I was afraid I'd have to get the plunger and, then what?  I don't know.  but, it turned out that it just needed a good long flush to get rid of it.  seriously, though, I have no idea how it got in there.  and that's not something to wake up to in the morning.  

leaving for summer of arabic in one week.  we're going down to the city to an art opening for my mother, spending the night, and then I'll be flying off.  I started packing this morning.  dylan came over and read me my packing list and I threw things an a duffel.  then we sat around showing each other the facebook pictures of cute boys and girls we'd met at college this year.  I adore that kid.  we had a good time, and we found this.  and it made me wish there was more drag king culture in the world.  

hotel california

I just got off the phone with my wonderful friend, Eric.  Good lord, I love that kid.  I've known him for five years, but we've spent two weeks together out of all that time.  And yet, we have the most exquisite friendship.  We just get each other.  We haven't talked since August, but we had the most fantastic conversation.  And, best of all, he's going to go to school three hours north of me next year, so we'll be very close.  

In other news, tomorrow I'm going to see Joshy!  Much excitement.  I've got to leave home at six thirty in the morning to catch a bus, then wait for an hour and a half, then catch another bus and then wait in a Dunkin Donuts for at least half an hour... probably longer.  But at the end of all that, there will be camping.  And that, my dears, is good enough for me. 

I also found a Gipsy Kings cover of Hotel California that is brilliant.  

Israel

This article was in the New York Times this morning:

click here

I have a hard time sometimes explaining to people why I don't blindly support Israel.  It's complicated, I suppose, because I'm Jewish by heritage, and I think a lot of people assume that because of that, and because I'm American, I'll support any action Israel takes.  For me, it's more complicated.  

First of all, I don't think Israel should have been created in the first place.  I know it's age-old Holy Land.  I know Jews have lived there for centuries.  I know we felt like we needed to compensate for atrocities during WWII and gave into zionist pressures as a solution for our remorse.  I get all of that, and I know how we got where we are today.  I can follow the logic, but I think it's faulty.  First of all, Israel was Palestine before the British colonized after WWI, which means an entire people with their own government was established there, and the British overturned it. Then, even worse, they passed it on instead of returning it.  So, in a way, Israel is one of the last hold outs of British colonization efforts.  But, even so, it's too late to take it back now.  So, regardless of potential illegitimacies, Israel exists, and has a lot of power.

But in the immediacy of the moment, the most important thing to me right now is how we continue to support Israel, regardless of blatant violations of human rights.  It's as simple as this: Israel has the right to defend itself against real enemies.  So, Hamas, Hezbollah, and other organizations that have attacked Israel are fair game for action in a practical sense.  However, instead of taking action against the organizations themselves, Israel chooses to take action against Palestinians by denying aid and bombing public space.  Not only is this horrifying because of what it has done to those living in Gaza and the West Bank, but it perpetuates the conflict by driving ordinary citizens to the kind of desperation that leads them to join terrorist networks in the first place.  

So please, Israel, America, rethink Israel/Palestine policy.  It's not working. 

keeping busy, keeping one step ahead of boredom

I haven't been truly bored in a long, long time.  Years, maybe.  I refuse to start now.  In retrospect, though, I could probably do with a little bit of slowing down.  I haven't taken much time to sit still since january, really.  

Monday may be the time to start.  Joshy and I are going camping on Monday.  I'm very very excited.  We're meeting in the middle.  Four hours of driving each, then driving out into the mountains for three days, two nights.  It's bound to be good.  We've never spent so much time alone together.  Or that much time together with no breaks.  I'm really looking forward to being outside, being together, getting a chance to slow down... 

I've done so much driving in the last four days.  I'm ready to sit still.  Tomorrow, I'm having tea with my two favourite teachers from high school.  I'm looking forward to it for sure.  I've changed a lot since high school, but I think they'll be excited to hear about it and I'm really excited to spend some quality time with adults.  

Also, Manda's leaving for two and a half months.  Not cool.  

Crevasse

today melissa is here visiting from the big city.  it has been absolutely beautiful weather so far.  this morning, we met up with manda, dylan, natalie, spencer, jj, joy and margie to go for a hike and a swim.  we hiked five miles into a canyon to a beautiful watering hole.  it was  surrounded by red rocks and beautiful vegetation... it was a tough hike to get there, though, and it was hot and very sunny.  it was wonderful but mel got super dehydrated and now she's sick.  that's not cool at all.

inside, inside, inside

It's been raining on and off here since I got back from my little road trip.  It's lovely... it reminds me of the big city, but the smell is different here because the pavement is drier when the water hits it.  rain in the desert is the most beautifully unique smell.  it's glorious.  last night, when I got home I just went out on the back patio and just sat under the stars.  it was so so beautiful.  the stars in the big city hide in the pink sky too often and when they do come out, they're very dim.  they seem closer here.  

I'm in the middle of buying my textbooks for next semester off the internet.  Also an Arabic-English Dictionary and hopefully I can figure out what textbook I need for the summer... and maybe a little treat for myself?  I'm looking for a super cheap copy of The Unbearable Lightness of Being...  we'll see what I find.  Buying textbooks is painful.  They're so expensive, I hate it. But it's the one college expense I have to handle by myself, so I guess that's alright.  

Speaking of expenses, I am looking at trying to get a job spring semester.  Economy, please improve so that I can find employment in eight months. okay? okay.

long distance movie date was mostly wonderful.  technology was not on our side, so we had to scrape a solution together, but it worked out very nicely.  About a Boy is a wonderful movie. we had some good talking time, too. I miss that kid so much.  

relish

long distance movie date tonight.  we're watching About a Boy and praying technology is on our side.  

hot hot hot

Four hours south visiting friends in a city that reaches higher temperatures this time of year than some places can even dream about. Whew. It's really hot.

I had to hear it in the right way, but I'm ready to let my mind stop chewing on it over and over. I'm waiting for the next step reveal itself, and I get that that will probably take a very long time. Maybe there will be some revelation. In the meantime, I have work to do. Projects to figure out and work through. Novels to read. Letters to write. Hats to knit.

One of the best things I've learned this year is not to apologize unless it's needed. I don't need to apologize for myself, just things that I do wrong. Also, now it really bothers me when people apologize for nothing all. the. time. In the end, I can't trust those people to give sincere apologies when they're needed.

welcome

turmoil

update

also, here's my updated reading list:

Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier

Sailor Song by Ken Kesey

Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safron Foer

The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

What is the What by Dave Eggers

100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers

Gaviotas by Alan Weisman

The World Without Us by Alan Weisman

Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Annie Dillard

first day home

positives:

Amanda

full kitchen at my disposal

so much time to read books

family

getting to travel in a car

having time to throw stuff away

negatives:

I miss my city

I miss my new friends

I miss all the adventures

I am not sure what to do with myself

End of the First Year

Airport again.  This time going home for four months.  It's more like leaving home for four months, going to another home for 5 weeks, going to summer school somewhere completely different for two months, and then coming home for two weeks again before I go to my home home for another four months.  It's very hard to leave this city.  It feels like leaving a person.  I had a whole day to say good-bye to her and Melissa.  I found my favourite Thai food stand again.  They'd gotten a bigger kitchen cart and moved to a parking lot where it would fit.  I was very pleased to find that their reason for moving was their success.  Their pad thai is to die for.  I found gifts for the people back home that I wanted to give them to.  Don't tell my mama but I pretended to forget it was Mother's Day so that she'll be surprised that I remembered to shop for her.  

Saying good-byes has been tremendously difficult.  To feel such affinity for people I've known only eight, or in some cases four months seems strange logically, but is absolutely the natural reality of my life here.  I haven't gone around saying it until I was sure it was true, but there are people here that I love.  My three lovely girls, Lauren, Casey and Danielle; the ones I can't define, John, Melissa and Josh; and the ones that are simply truly my friends, Liam, Adrian, Ian, Annan, Annalisa, Katherine, Rachel, Morgan, Zoe, and Nathan... and even the lovely acquaintances that I can call friends, who would be too great to list.  And I'm sure I've forgotten many people.  

This year, aside from the details and specifics of my academics, I've learned how to live in a city without my parents, how to meet people that I will love, how to think in a completely new and wiser way, how to cut loose, how to focus, how to appreciate music, books and art on a completely new level and how to miss people.  I've devoted myself to my old friends and my new ones, my academics and my social life, my present and my future.  And I've grown so much.  When I think about who I was in August, it's not who I am now.  It's a smaller, more limited, less capable version of who I am now.  

I'm not looking forward to this summer, except for family, the friends I consider family, and two months of Arabic.  I plan to be much more careful about how I spend time with people at home and at summer school.  I am glad that it's only the summer.  

It will be strange to be home without grandpa.  He's been such an important presence in my life for the last five years, there's certainly a visceral hole now.  I imagine the sense of that will only be stronger at home.  It hasn't even been a week since I flew home to be there for his passing, but these last six days have been so full that it has been almost timeless.  

So, first year of college, thank you.  

homecoming

I'm back in the airport again.  I'm supposed to start my finals tomorrow morning, but I'm flying home.  Mom called this morning saying Grandpa is in the hospital probably for the last time.  I've been expecting this phone call all year.   Expecting isn't preparing, though.  I'm not prepared.  

I'm here, though.  

I spent the last five minutes doing something I realize now is desperately searching for a distraction: food, books, the Office.  I caught myself, though.  We're boarding soon anyway so it doesn't really matter.  And it's okay to be distracted, I know.  It's just when the only point to doing something is a distraction, I've got to look for something better to do. 

It's okay.

I hit my head really hard on a dresser drawer last night.  I spent the whole evening feeling sore and slightly dazed.  I feel the same way now, but different catalyst.  My head has been aching all day (this day has literally felt like a week) and I can't bring myself to take anymore ibuprofen.  

napowrimo #17: missing something

dying has turned into a metaphor of trains for her

she holds my mother's hand 

at the edge of the bed

squeezes 

insisting that we be careful getting tickets

to Prague

the trains get crowded after Prague

she says

we'll probably be separated in 

the station

we'll have to count on being able to 

find each other on the other side

very seriously, she explains the 

fare will be covered and drifts

off into sleep again

Napowrimo #16: a t-rex and a thesaurus

Les pierres de la terre touchent mes pieds

La touche de mon enfance :

Pas doucement, ils me donnent

La fortitude de la solitude

napowrimo # 15: Instead of

Tired old love

instead of finding things easier at the end of a long talk

the same problems stand in front of us as though a sphinx

paws folded casually layering the threat of claws the difference 

is now that we've wrapped them in conversation we find the 

riddles more personable even friendly but no less impossible 

instead of solving them we marry them to us we take them to 

bed with us carry them like suitcases of souvenirs like saddle

bags of provisions we eat them for sustenance we wrap them

around our wounds we curl up in them against the night we

hold them to us like tender lovers we hold them against each

other like gravest enemies who kiss vengeance each morning

tarot

Tarot is something I always thought was kind of silly, but it turns out that if you approach it in a particular way, all it does is tell you what you already know.  But it catches you when you're ready for it.  

So this precarious situation that I'm in... according to tarot, I can either choose one or the other, or I can choose to have both, but I have to do it.  There has to be action.  There has to be direct choice.  Even though that's what I've been doing anyway, it helps to know that what I've already figured out is the truth of the situation.  I'm moving in the direction of having both, and it's only if I have to choose that I will be conflicted.  One is vaguely better than the other, but it means giving up so much that I've invested in for the last few months.  I can't say I'd make that choice either way without long-lasting regret.

This is definitely a true story right now.  There have been some moments in the last couple of weeks where I've really struggled with this.  Part of  it has been figuring out what it is that I want and then beyond that, it's been talking to the people who can make that happen, and really talking to them about what is possible from their angle.  Right now, everything's up in the air, but in a positive way.  And I had to be proactive to get things to this point, so it feels like harvest to have it moving in any kind of positive direction at all..

Alright, enough vagaries for now.

I have had a distinct lack of motivation for the last two days.  I originally typed that it has been four days, but time gets stretched out here, so everything takes less time than it seems.  In any case, I have so much work to do before Manda flies out on friday because I want to spend the whole weekend having fun with her.  We'll see what happens.  I plan on getting a lot done in the next few days.  I have 26 pages of essaying left to write this semester, not including a 10 page draft to do a final of and that 12 of the 26 pages will need to be edited in a second draft also (that is to say, once they are written at all).  

Scheduling is pretty much finalised for next semester.  I am sure of four courses I'll be taking:

Principles of Economics

Great Ideas in Physics

Islamic Law

French: Conversation and Composition.

In terms of the fifth class that I plan to take, I have several options.  Because when we had our last registration period I still thought I was majoring in IA, I signed up for a US Foreign Policy class that's pretty hard to get into.  I could also take a sociology course on the middle east or an elective.  Or keep the USFP course.  We'll see.  

Bonne Nuit à Tous 

napowrimo #14: road trip

stuck at a toll booth crossing the 

Golden Gate Bridge

grandpa rolled down the glass

on the Mercury and

bumped the windowlock with his elbow

and the rain and cold poured 

over the protection of his arm 

draping skin over bone barely covered in flesh.

the car crammed with the proof of his patriarchy

suddenly became loud with complaints

of the biting damp and

cold air sweeping of the january bay.

confused, he can't figure out the buttons

on the control panel and

drives ten under, swerving against

the chaotic cacophony 

unsure what is in his ears and what is in his mind.

that is the first moment,

eight years old, 

I understood getting old 

means growing into alone. 

napowrimo # 13: read write words

reality

impugns the complacence of perspective

just in the way that the first dive shatters the singularity

of a pool's surface

napowrimo # 12: where do you come from?

mother built a house around us like

an embrace

father built the bank accounts and for years

loved like a satellite in wide orbit always anchored to his planet

grandma ruthie dammed up

the memory of the Depression with a million

plastic bags

grandma evie fled dust clouds and 

held us together with a thousand tiny diligent stitches

grandaddy came close to dying 

electricity hit the river he's always drowning in

grandpa's seen so much he asks for 

a bowl of new york when he means soup

because comfort is all he wants for

2 am quietude

I only have a few minutes left of battery on my computer but I wanted to take some time to check in.  I have had a really frightening and opening realisation in the last few months that really came to head in the last few days.  Such as it is, the revelation essentially entails that I don't really want to be studying International Affairs anymore.  I really resisted letting that in, but I had a very good talk with David about why it's important to study something for which you have deep affinity.  I have a sense that it's so hard to let go of something I've been so certain of for the last two years, that it feels a little bit like giving up.  But at the same time, it feels so good.  

I have so much freedom right now to explore topics that I've dreamed about exploring, like political economy, and it's really given me the opportunity to reassess what it is that I want to be doing.  That plan feels a little wobbly still, but I get the feeling that whatever I do will seem natural when I get there.  So, right now I'm considering Foreign Languages with a minor in Political Economy or Political Science (revitalising the administrative battle over languages) or self-designing a major in Middle Eastern Studies.  The Middle Eastern Studies thing has been something that I'm essentially doing anyway, but it's something I've shied away from because it has felt a little disingenuous.  But it doesn't anymore. I really looked at the classes I want to take and the language stuff, etc.  and it all kind of pans out into exactly that.  Either way, it entails an administrative battle.  If I feel that I ought to eschew one of those (not a likely occurrence) then I'll probably major in french and minor in political science or political economy.  Deep down, I just want to take a bunch of awesome classes that are generally related and call them some fancy title and call it a major.  Not going to happen, though so I'm thinking institutionally, but for the first time I have freedom to explore.  It's wonderful.  I might even treat myself to an English class.  

Happy Easter. Chag Sameach.  

napowrimo #11: Movies

Rachel Getting Married

Needing redemption keeps creeping 

little claws bared like tines for its own 

survival

into brain

leaving tiny lacerations for doubt to seep

Sound of a mother's hand hitting face

makes everything 

breakable

leaves moments like heirlooms

forever misplaced

nopowrimo number 10: found poem

she had said 

I'm tired of begging

God to overthrow my son, because all this

is like 

having the lights on all the time, sir, and 

she had said it with the same 

naturalness with which on one 

national holiday

she had made her way

through the guard of honor

with a basket of empty bottles and reached

the presidential limousine

that was leading the parade of celebration

in an uproar of ovations and martial music and storms of flowers

and she shoved 

the basket through the window and shouted

to her son that since you'll be passing right by 

take advantage and 

return these bottles to the store on the corner 

poor mother

from The Autumn of the Patriarch by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

nopowrimo number 9: Paradise

Hell-a banquet table 

spread with succulents

its inhabitants' arms 

since passing through the hair's breadth

between living and dying

have fused at the elbows

unbending

hands grapple for food that 

cannot reach mouths

tongues stretch

to taste the simple satisfaction they will never again enjoy

Paradise- a banquet table

spread with succulents 

its inhabitant's arms 

since passing through the hair's breadth

between living and dying

have fused at the elbows 

unbending

their arms 

discover to feed other mouths and so

taste the terminal satisfaction

in passing food to the lips of another

nopowrimo numbers 7: Nicknames and 8: Former Flame

Nicknames

He calls me ClairitinClear

in the commercial voice

I call him Joshypants

as limping revenge

Old Flame

Old flame, I wish you would 

burn yourself out

your tiresome reflection in the glass

has become

a too-bright star caught in the corner of my eye

I am ready to press still sulphured matches

to cold wicks

but my breath will not end your

refraction 

bacne

I am in blogger heaven. While sitting out in the sun working on a paper about PTSD, I overheard a woman probably in her mid forties say to her husband:  "it's so weird that you're getting hairier.  I guess that happens, though. When we get home, I'll shave your back.  I'm going to have to shave your back.  I'll stop and the dollar store on the way home and get supplies."

good job, lady.  I am within earshot and your husband probably doesn't want me to know about his back hair.  way to go.

secretly

je passe une semaine merdique.

le yoga m'améliore.

good evening

I have had a lovely first day back.  I was well awake for my earliest class wherein I discovered that my exam is postponed for a few days.  Awesome!  and then I had french and it wasn't torture, it was actually really good, I found out that I got a really good grade on my latest composition.  Awesome!  Then I went to lunch and enjoyed a lovely sandwich and fabulous company of friends.  Aaaand then I went to my happiness class and discovered that our ten page paper has been postponed from wednesday to monday.  Awesome!  And then I went to defend the budget for the middle east club.  and they were rude.  Not awesome!  And then I went and cleaned out my sock drawer.  and that was exciting once it was over.  and then dinner and then I went to the studio and man I saw the coolest video of a performance from last years electronic music concert.  It was inspiring.  I started another song.  and then I went to the sauna and hung out with my friends there and that was really awesome until my earrings started to burn in my ears so then I came back and took a shower.  And then I went to my lovely friend Josh's room to talk about music and work on his radio show with him.  That was the best part of my day.  He's such a cool man.  And then I came back and started my homework.  and this blog.

welcome back to school, me. 

books books books, read more books

I'm back in the airport again and in spite of my prior declaration of airport affection, which I still stand by, it's a pretty boring place.  Especially this terminal.  So, I thought I would start my summer reading list:

Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier

Sailor Song by Ken Kesey

Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safron Foer

The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

What is the What by Dave Eggers

100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

I think that will probably tide me over for the summer.

revelations

Today is my birthday. It's not felt really special, which is pretty nice. I don't like a lot of fuss. I've heard from almost all of my nearest and dearest, which is all I want, really.  My mum is baking a yummy cake and my grandparents and aunt and uncle and cousin and two best friends are all coming over for a feast.  Perfect.

I had breakfast this morning with my dear friend Beth.  (I know you read this, Beth, so on a more personal note, thank you for a beautiful morning).  It was delicious (Orange brioche french toast. Amazing.) and wonderful to see her.  

This morning I had a (small) revelation that in twelve months (from august to august of this school year) I will have lived in three different states, been in two separate countries, and flown fourteen times.  That's the widest sphere my life has ever occupied. 

No Carnival

Oh I love the airport.  I really do.  Where I'm sitting, I have a perfect view of the airplanes taking off 100 yards away, and beyond that, I can see the close horizon and the clouds settling on the edges of my view.  It's beautiful.  My flight isn't for another hour and a half and I've been here for two hours.  I came with my neighbor, Nathan, whose flight is departing right now... I could have come on a later bus, but I am so ready to be going home and I like airports, so I figured I might as well just have some chill time here instead of staying at school where I would just be restless.  

My roommate had these two fish that she brought to our room after winter break... Well, they both died this week.  It was pretty sad.  I've never seen anyone care about fish as much as she did.  She named them Finnigan and Gilligan, which are about the cutest fish names I have ever heard.  We called them Fin and Gill.  Hopefully there will be more fish in our future.  

Housing for next year is starting to come into everyone's radar.  I am going to live with Danielle, whom I adore, and we're going to try to get a room with our other really good friends, Lauren and Casey.  But there are so many pressures and options for where to live and how to do all of it... it's kind of a mess.  I think that what it brings up for me is the idea of how much will change, which reminds me how much I will lose and gain by whatever new situation I am in.  It's prenostalgia, you know?  I know I will feel nostalgic about this year, I have had so many important experiences.  

I'm seeing my last view of this city's beautiful rainscape before I leave for a week.  It's stunningly beautiful.  I'm hoping to land tonight in time for the sunset.  

I think I could have made it through this semester without going home, but I'm glad that I get to.  I know I couldn't have made it last semester.  This semester I just have so much of a better grip on things.  Myself, my life, my reactions, etc etc.  It's something I can really pride myself on.  I have been bringing so much more presence of mind to all of my actions and as such I've been able to really analyse my reactions to things that come my way.  I think it's not the same as internalising in such a way where negative reactions can very easily become self-directed, but it's internalising the reaction so as to allow it to dissipate.  It feels very mature, but maybe it's just how most people do things and I'm catching up.  

Earlier this week, I went to the Dean's list dessert, which was basically just the school offering us cake in congratulations for our success.  It was pretty sweet.  The cake was fine, but the dean was actually there and my friend Jared is really set on getting Arabic at the school, which is something I really believe in even though it won't directly benefit me.  Anyway, we asked to talk to him, expecting him to not really be all that interested, but he came and sat with us where we'd been sitting on the floor and ate cake with us and listened to us talk to him about why we think Arabic would seriously benefit the school and the students.  He really listened, too. He took out a little pocket notebook and took notes and took down all of our email addresses.  It was fantastic.  Every time I start to think that this school could be kind of average, something happens to remind me that it really isn't.  The kind of faculty and students that it attracts are quality, for sure.  

This was in the BBC this week: news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7951838.stm

In the style of Lauren, who did this in the style of High Fidelity, I made a list of the top five careers I would love to have.  So, in no particular order, here they are:

1.  An international lawyer, or judge.

2. I don't know what to call it, but working as linguist and international affairs or international law expert for an NGO 

3. Working in some capacity with the UN (if the UN gets their act together sometime soon)

4. Grant allocation specialist for an organization like the Gates Foundation

5. Revolutionary.

aces and eights

(check the allusion in the title)

I got 100% on an eleven page paper that I wrote for my Pursuit of Happiness class.  I suppose I should be thrilled, but honestly, I am a little disappointed.  There was no constructive criticism and no guidance about what could be better.  That's not helpful at all.  Anyway, the paper was on happiness in Sufism.  It's hard to concentrate a history like that into 11 pages.  I wonder if he knows how unqualified I am to write the essay.  Probably not.  There was a time when I would feel that I earned full credit on a composition, but that is not my experience now.  

ar-rahim

I am not really in the proper frame of mind to work on homework right now, so it's blog time... It's harder and harder for me to focus during the day and easier and easier to focus in the middle of the night.  This is a great discovery because now I know how to make myself productive, but it has a very serious negative aspect, which is that when I stay up till three thirty in the morning, I still have to get up at 8 the next morning.  My work is better when I do it in the middle of the night, but I am so sleepy during class that I wonder if it's really worth it.  

I have figured somethings out within the last few days that have been really helpful to know.  Some of them have to do with people in my life and some have to do with understanding patterns in my life and how some of them are patterns that I set in motion and some are patterns that I am just a part of, regardless of my choices...  And in the last few days, figuring out the trajectory that I want to set my life in has been an incredible journey.  I know it could change, and I may have to make this journey again countless times to other conclusions, but it is also possible that I am truly landing somewhere like home.  I don't know.  But I am going to trust myself to have found something good.  I'm still going to keep fighting the school to recognise the Arabic work I'm going to be doing, but I've also decided that maybe it doesn't matter as much what's on paper if I just decide to be okay with it.  I'm going to do do all the same work and if the school chooses to come round and recognise it, then that'll be ideal.  But if they don't, I think I can live with that.  

Really, I think that most of what's going on for me is just that I've developed a very solid sense of equanimity within the last three weeks or so.  It's been a lot time coming; I've been working on this for so long and I will have to keep working on it forever, but right now, I know what it feels like.  When I catch myself getting really caught up in thinking about what other people think of me and Oh, I wish things could be this way, it's not as much work to get back to an equilibrium.   I don't think I've ever felt so steady.  It's a particular kind of strength that comes from knowing that I am more in charge of me than I have ever been before.  I'm less off-kilter than ever before.  I wouldn't say I'm still, in fact I could hardly say that I would be steady if I was still.  I'm just grounded and good.  

I'm trying to eat better and exercise more.  The other day, I discovered a beautiful beautiful trail in a nearby park that I think is probably a few miles long.  It's just incredible terrain.  When I went the other day, the sun was shining through the trees and I had that feeling of being so tiny and wonderfully insignificant. 

Today feels like Sunday.  I don't like that.

machine gun mouth

I met with my academic advisor this morning about getting the school to count my future Arabic credits toward a second major in Foreign Languages.  The school seems less than thrilled about giving me credits toward a major if the credits aren't earned through our Foreign Languages department.  I am torn between understanding and frustration.  I get that they wouldn't really want to encourage people to accredit their specialisation outside the school, but I am still getting a complete major in International Affairs and taking more than full schedules every semester of school, so I'm not taking anything away from the school.   So, in any case, my advisor and I set up an appointment with the Associate Dean of Students to discuss the matter.  In regards to other aspects of my studies, my advisor was very encouraging about my general academic plan, which is great to hear, but I never know if I should take him seriously.  He can be excessively, deceptively positive about things, which is great for my morale, but sometimes I am confused about how reality-based his attitudes are.  However, as we were going over my four-year plan, I did get a very strong sense that the plans I've laid out are really, truly something I want to do.  I got an amazing feeling of resolve and calm.  I know that the plan I've laid out is ambitious and that it won't be easy.  I have to take 20 academic credits next semester, which won't be easy and probably won't be all that fun, but it must be done.  In the last few days, I've started to have a very serious sense of what it is that I want to do after I graduate. That is, I want to work with scientists, doctors, economists, sociologists and anthropologists to create self-sustaining communities like they did in Gaviotas, Columbia.  I hope that what I'm doing now will lead me into that.  

By the by, if you haven't heard of Gaviotas, please check it out.  They've done really amazing work in a very challenging environment.  It's very inspiring.   

Also, it turns out that even though I was apprehensive about wearing a rain coat (social suicide at home), it is not only totally acceptable here, but actually a rather pleasurable experience.  I stay dry, but I can be out in the rain!  Imagine that...  It's delightful.  

web comics

if you aren't following these webcomics, you should be.  

asofterworld.com

anderslovesmaria.reengstrom.com

xkcd.com

daisyowl.com

also, a quick shout-out to a friend of mine who doesn't to a regular webcom, but has some of his work posted on his facebook page:

facebook.com/profile.php?id=1398078158&ref=ts

Letdown

And now we break from our regularly-programmed Sunday evening essay writing to bring you the following message: 

The silent retreat this weekend was a letdown.  It wasn't even really silent, which was pretty disappointing.  I am glad that I got a scholarship; otherwise I would feel that it was money wasted.  The parts of the silent retreat that were silent meditation (which was about half the day) were great, but the other parts I could have really done without.  This morning, though, I woke up early by accident, so I went for a run to the nearby nature preserve, wandered of the path (shhhh, don't tell) and meditated in the woods for awhile.  It was very pleasant.  It started raining when I was walking back (I'm not in as good of shape as I'd like to be...), but it hasn't been very cold today, so I walked back very slowly and enjoyed feeling the rain and looking at the beautiful trees and the beautiful people that I came across.

I am really working on not getting attached and possessive.  That's my internal work right now.  It's hard.  We are so instinctively programmed to enjoy things and then try to claim them as our own, especially people.  So I'm letting that go.  It's hard work, but I am definitely improving.   A few months ago, it was much harder.  Right now, I have a great deal more capability to take care of myself, and I don't really need people to hold me up.  Obviously, big words for a college student being supported by her parents, but the emotional stuff is different and right now I have a very solid handle on that. 

sweet

I made the Dean's list! Yay me.

sleepless sleepover v.2.0

I went up north this weekend with Ian for a festival be put together at his high school for education about the queer community.  It was fantastic.  Every time I'm with Ian, I am reminded how amazing he is;  he has so much passion and talent, more than is fair to have in just one person at this age.  And he's wise.  I am honoured to be his friend.

Last night was the second sleepless sleepover of my dorm building.  It was lots of fun.  We watched Wristcutters: A Love Story, which, in spite of its somewhat sketchy title, is actually a hunourous, fantastic existentialistic exploration of suicide and existence on earth.  I highly recommend it.  

Tonight are the Oscar's, which I've never seen in my whole life, so I'm very excited to be seeing them with my wonderful friends.  

aspiring

I've been thinking a lot lately about trying.  Essentially, how much of our trying are we willing to factor into judgement?  I find it very heartening that most people I know are really willing to consider effort before evaluating.  Perhaps it is because of this that we are willing to forgive one another.  Intentions are crucial:  they have only a certain bearing on what the final results of our actions are, but they are terribly important in how we react in a subjective world. 

Also, the French have a different keyboard than Americans and you can change the functions of the keys on a Macbook to be like a French keyboard.  So, I did that last night, but I made it so that I can tell what I'm doing by putting tape over all the keys that are different.  It is not easy!  I am starting to get the hang of it, but all the punctuation is different (you have to hit the shift button to get a period...) and the letters to the far left and far right are different so I have re-learn the way my brain and fingers work around a keyboard.  It's good for my dendrites and neurons.  And also, when I study abroad in Senegal, it's going to be a French intensive, so I'll be all set for that.  I might even forget how to type in English.  

I went to a play last weekend and this was in the programme:

"When all is said and done, for me, the heart of the story is this: Our country was founded on profound and radical principles of liberty and equality, which we have not been willing or have not been ready to live by.  Perhaps this is because they have been too ambitious for our reach or too ahead of our evolution as a people or species.  We have achieved extraordinary power as a nation and made every sort of progress, but at the expense of those principles by exploiting and oppressing a large portion of the population.  At the same time, there is a relentless struggle and movement toward the alignment with the alignment with those founding principles if only by infinitesimal degrees." -- N.  Keystone

Food for thought.

middlenight

So I'm taking this electronic music class, right?  Right.  It's really awesome.  I have an hour on Thursdays and an hour on Mondays in which I'm supposed to do all my composing for the class.  We have one computer between all ten of us in the class, so we have specific slots for each of us.  Anyway, I usually end up spending a couple of hours there every time I go in.  I spent three hours there tonight and I wrote a piece called "Titanic Sinking" that is pretty wicked.  If I can ever figure out how to get them on here, I will post a few of the things I make.  Mostly the assignments are really meant to just get us to screw around with the software and check out all the things we can do, but with a little more structure than just messing around, but every time we have an assignment, I spend hours working so that at the end, I have a complete piece of music (albeit, a short one).  Last time, we were just supposed to make two rhythm patterns and then play some keyboard over top.  But I was so excited when I made some rad stuff on with the programme, so I stayed there for two hours and wrote a one minute piece with chord progressions, melodic progression and some cool beats.  I am so glad I have something creative to do this semester otherwise, I think I'd go crazy with no outlet for everything in my brain that isn't about International Affairs or Political Science or someone else's philosophy that I had to read and then regurgitate in between some thoughts that are supposed to be original, but not too original or the professor will mark the essay down.  

I left for a minute and, looking back and reading that last bit, I think it's important that I point out that I believe in the academic process, but I'm feeling a bit jaded about it right now because of my Pursuit of Happiness class.  My professor for this class is insane.  This class is a 100 level course that I am required to take as a freshman, and I was really excited before we started, but now I dread going there.  Most of the time, it's more work than my 300-level religious studies course.  I had a ten-page paper due today (it's only the fourth week of school!) that I stayed up almost all night last night for and skipped my morning classes to finish.  I did finish it, and I did think it was quite a solid essay, but I wish that it hadn't eaten my life quite like that.  Also, we have our midterm next Monday, which is the fifth week out of a 14-week term.  Ridiculous.  

In other news, I am working on making more time for myself to make poetry.  I use term "make time" very loosely here; I don't have much time to give to anything but school, and what I have is pretty well doled out where I need it.  Either way, I am going to squeeze it in.  My sense of form has changed a lot lately.  I am working on a poem much longer than anything I have ever written about the Holocaust.  I think that by the end of it, I will have been able to distill everything inside of me about it, turned it into a stationary collection of words that communicates something I've been needing to say and then, maybe, I will be able to let some of it go.  I don't know why I carry it around so much more than other people seem to.  

intense summer

I just got what I hope will be the first of several acceptance letters to summer Arabic intensives!  They have offered to cover half of my tuition with scholarships, which is absolutely fantastic.  The only downside is that the school is located in pretty much the middle of nowhere.  While this would cut down on my potential distractions and could actually be really great, it messes up my plans to be near friends for the summer.  There are worse things, though.  If I go here, I will be able to go to most of Lollapalooza, which would be FANTASTIC.  I will still apply to other schools, but this seems like maybe the place that I will go, unless I get into the one school that is my top choice.  Still, this is really good news, from an academic and social perspective.  The plans I am making are coming into a place that seems focused and fulfilling.  

dancing in the streets

I am reading this book called Dancing in the Streets by Barbara Ehrenreich.  Basically, of the part I've read so far, which is about a fifth of the book, the premise is that group rituals surrounding ecstasy or the creation of ecstasy are shaped by the experience of collective hunting.  This is framed in a very literal way.  But it got me thinking about group ecstatic rituals in the modern world and their relationship, and I arrived at the semi-stable idea that perhaps they are rituals of searching rather than hunting.  There's less urgency to survival now.

things

here are some goals and thoughts for the beginning of the semester:

work on  time management.  I will be working on this for the rest of my life.

work hard on homework and get straight As.  

be clean and tidy.

do yoga. 

get sleep.

read for pleasure, but after I am done with my homework. 

pay attention more.  to everything.

hyper-drive uncertainty

coming back to school has been making me feel so unsure of things.  even the idea of myself and how I behave (this is not even as cool as an existential crisis) has been very unclear.  I played cards with some friends tonight and had a lot of fun and laughed a lot, but didn't feel very much like myself.  maybe it was just a part of me I don't like very much.  anyway, at then end of the game, I felt saturated.  then I couldn't focus at all on cleaning my room or doing homework so I baked a cake.  the people that I fed it to were really grateful but it was very selfish for the most part.  I needed a distraction and I needed to feel something positive.  that's rather an ethical dilemma but I don't really believe that motive is necessarily able to degrade the act itself.  I can't really land on one or even a few simple ideas about why I feel this way.  I wasn't able to conclude anything except that I miss home and my family and my friends from home and also that, as Lauren says, stepping back into the routine is rough.  Those things are definitely true.  But I also feel bourn by a deep restlessness and dissatisfaction.  It's not a dissatisfaction with my life or anything in particular, but really just an inexplicable sense there being something missing from my life.  tomorrow, I will try to get ahead on my homework so that when Monday rolls around, I will be on top of my game.  maybe things will start to get better once I feel more in control of my school stuff.  I don't know.  none of this is particularly bad.  in my happiness class, we've been talking about how philosophies of happiness are frequently tied to the ideas of pleasure and pain.  not just one or the other but the essential dichotomy of both.  

in other less important news, I am thinking about rearranging my side of my room.  I'd like to put my mattress on the floor under my lofted bed frame, and then put my fridge on my bed frame and my desk where my fridge is and my bookshelf where the trash is and the trash also on top of my bed frame.  I think I'll try and do it within the next two weeks or so, but I need some extra strong bodies to help me.  Maybe I can get some extra bed parts from the bed parts room and make a very low bottom bunk for my mattress and then I won't have to be right on the floor.  I'll let you know what happens with that.

if this is any indication

if today's electronic music class was any indication, I think it has the potential to change my life.  the software is pretty challenging for someone like me who knows nothing about it, but the prof is solid on the knowledge so it's working out.  I bought a different notebook for the class that is working out perfectly.  it has blank pages so that I can scribble diagrams and make charts and stuff.  I would like to get the software that we use onto my macbook so that I can keep working over the summer.  the programme is set up to look exactly like a soundboard and rack.  you can even "spin the rack around" or whatever and see where the cables are.  why didn't I pay attention when we were doing this in high school tech theatre?  the answer to that is that I hated it.  and I probably still would if it wasn't about making music.  

every inch

I have had a delightful day.  I woke up early today before anyone else on my floor and went grocery shopping.  It was very very cold and very very peaceful to be up so early.  The grocery store sent me some coupons before break and they expire tomorrow so I used them up today which meant feeling very satisfied with my ability to survive in the world.  Then I came back and read Ways of Seeing by John Berger.  It was fascinating.  So rarely does one find a book that is simultaneously simple and provocative of a deep revelation.  I highly recommend it.  It's quite short so one can read it in a few hours, and it explains things about our current condition so accurately that one can hardly refused to be changed by it.  After breakfast shenanigans, I organised my closet and other areas of my side of my dorm room.  Then, when Lauren and Danielle came back from taking a test, we went into town.  It was bitterly cold and rather dark.  We went to a little record store with a very specific selection of genres.  Lauren bought the new Andrew Bird CD that looks delicious.  Then we went to an art store so John could get some stuff for his art class.  I debated for while whether or not I wanted to buy a moleskin notebook for my Electronic Music class notes.  Then  I decided that 11 dollars is about 5 dollars too many to pay for a little notebook.  I'll find a cheaper one to serve the same function.  In any case, after that, Danielle and Michael and I went to the little Thai food stand that we love and got yellow curry and came back.  When we came back, we discovered that Anan had made traditional Chinese Lunar New Year food for us to eat.  Strange and delicious.  We ate doughnuts we'd gotten at the delicious 21 hours a day bakery in town and gave him one in exchange for his making delicious food.  Then we ended up curled up in the common room playing Truth (Truth or Dare without Dares because they're boring).  That was a nice bonding experience.  We were all calm and relaxed and open so it was good.  Now it's snowing again.  That was pretty much my Saturday.  Tomorrow, there's a free concert at a venue downtown and we're going to see Blitzen Trapper at 10:30 at night.  Should be delightful. 

good news

My poem "The Light of Seville" was published in the poetry issue of the monthly west-coast Sufi Ruhaniat publication, which is an honour.  It was also the last paper issue of The Sound (the aforementioned publication) because the foundation that gave money to printing The Sound and a lot of other non-profits lost a huge chunk of funding in the Madoff collapse.  So, it was a joy to be published in the issue and a somewhat sad and angry discovery that it's the last paper issue.  It's always a disappointment to me when people think that electronic publishing is somehow better than the good old paper way.  There's something so satisfying about a book that doesn't come with the glowing screens we're inundated with daily.  A computer or kindle or whatever comes next will never be able to replace the incredible delight of a book between one's palms and the black lettering against the creamy pages.  Anyway, The Sound didn't really have a choice except to go electronic or stop publishing.  I guess it's the better of two not-so-good solutions.

Tomorrow I leave to go back to the big city.  I'm prepared for the cold and more than ready to see my friends again.  

packing up

everything's getting suitcased for the trip back to the big city on monday.  I don't really remember too much of what I brought or what I have up there so it's hard to determine what should be packed and what shouldn't, except that I know I need everything I own to keep me warm.  it's been so warm here all month that it's hard to think about going back to the big cold wet beautiful city.  I'm ready, though.  my parents keep telling me that they'd be so happy if I stayed, but they do this little sad smile while they say it, so I know it's true what they're saying but we all know that I have my own life that I have to pursue and they wouldn't really be all that excited if I was just bumming around home working for minimum wage and not feeding my mind.  it's just bittersweet, and we're all feeling it.  

I went up north for a few days to see my best friends, Amanda and Spencer.  I got to meet their new friends, who are great and my dear old friend Natalie as well.  it was a great trip because of that, but also I got to reaffirm the feeling that I had when I was picking out schools, which is that if I'd gone with them, I'd be happy to be with them, but I'd have missed out on the experience of having to really do this college thing on my own.  it's all worked out anyway, because we're still really tight, but we're also getting to have separate lives, which will be good in the long run, but we know we have each other no matter what.  still, I get these huge stabs of missing them at least once a day.  it's pretty terrible even though it's good.  I guess it's bittersweet, too.  

this place

this place is incredibly beautiful. I am so happy that I came. I'm not sure I want to leave.

all set

These are the things that are going to make this trip good:

iPod loaded with good music, most of it new

lots of time to write

letter-writing opportunity 

beach time 

a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel

a book of poetry from Casey

knitting packed in my carry-on

good people, but not really friends so I can spend lots of time alone

being on retreat

Per the question of publishing, I submitted a couple of poems to the poetry issue of The Sound, which is the monthly Sufi publication of the Sufi Ruhaniat International.  I got a couple of poems published last time they had a poetry issue, so I'm hoping, but the work I submitted this year is really different...  There's some suspense.  It's not a huge deal, but it's good for the resumé and self-confidence.  It's the January issue, so hopefully it will be here when I get back.